Archive for April, 2008

ATTENTION : SONIFIC will be GONE from my blog from May 1st onwards, till I get a new one..and since WORK has taken its toll on my schedule, i don’t have much time to find a new ‘music’ widget-thingamajig…So enjoy this for now and I’ll be ‘cramming-up’ the blog post-by-post till that happens..BUT if the ‘music is out’..I suggest listening to Rob D’s-Clubbed to Death [from Matrix OST] when reading this hehe.

Have you ever stumbled upon ‘something’ that you couldn’t describe, you couldn’t completely comprehend or something that you just simply won’t know why it’s there?….is it an obdurate habit simply being born after years of,…well, being in denial of what is truly fact and what’s purely ‘wishful‘ thinking.

Tis’ not a really blog…tis’ what ‘IT’ is.

It walked barefoot through the desert. Strong winds blowing in its’ face, in this world where colors are non-existent; where there are no smells to stimulate the olfactory senses. Neither bad stench nor aromatic scent. Everywhere it runs, it seems lost. Everywhere it turns, it seems tormented. It walked and walked, sometimes running and sometimes it could barely lift its’ feet. Where and how, when and what it should look for; it doesn’t know. But it walked regardless, maybe for survival, maybe its strong will urging him to find ‘escape‘. But by mere chance it found an oasis within this dune of gray and black, but wouldn’t it be wonderful to see at least a faint of green on those leaves. Sadly there were none. A small ‘puddle’ of water lies deeper into the oasis. It reached the edge, merely a puddle of water it says. It drinks, drinks and drinks some more. But the more it drinks, the thirstier it gets. Why? Why?! It doesn’t know, it only knows, the desert fading slowly into blackness, the oasis into nothingness, as its visions blurred and eye lids felt heavy; as it fell unconscious face deep into the puddle of mud; nothing but mud.

It woke up several moments later. The cracked earth it ‘slept’ upon are colorless too. It looked up to see nothing but dark clouds..gray clouds. Lightning and thunder on the horizon, wherever it looked, whenever it turned its’ head to look, nothing but cracked earth and clouds of gray with streaks of lightning striking the ground. Sometimes the lightning strikes thrice on the same spot and sometimes it ‘feels’ like the lightning keeps getting closer and closer to it. It walked again, and walked some more. It sometimes had to run, fearing the lightning and thunder. sometimes fearing, ‘fear’ itself maybe. Suddenly it reached a tree, or whatever is left of a tree. black husks, broken branches; not a leaf among them. The tree looks almost uprooted and probably a gentle push it would have fallen into the deep abyss, because that is where the tree is. IT has reached the edge, literally. Where ever it looked; there is nothing beyond that tree. Nothing but more thick gloomy clouds of nothingness. And to take a further step would mean falling into that bottomless void. Null and soundless death would await It. If it did take another step forward, it dared to ask itself, maybe something else besides death would be waiting? It asked…why must it be so? Is there no hope…is there no possible or logical solution to its problems. All it can do was to sit under that old tree, an old bark. Nothing to do except think about this plane of existance.

It stays near the tree, there is no sun, no rain even with the thunder and lightning. No change of weather, not even a slight breeze, only the lightning striking down the gray earth. On this patch of floating island of barren wasteland, surrounded by gloom and despair, surrounded by torment and misery, surrounded by anguish and grief. It stays there…once and awhile it walks around, but never far from that tree and strangely enough never far from the edge of the void where the tree is. Maybe it wants to see when would the wasteland starts to completely crumble and fall into its eminent doom…or maybe the tree is the only semblance of life around here, and it wants to….die with the tree….and slowly, but surely it knows this wasteland IS falling apart bit by bit…

Whatever reason or reasons it has for remaining near that tree…is a mystery…even to it self. Maybe it is tired of everything..or maybe it is pondering what to do next? IT knows one thing for sure…if it moves too far away from anything that resembles life or hope, it will fade much faster..even though waiting for the inevitable is a fruitless undertaking, at least it knows…that it was never alone, it was part of something, and it is still alive somehow…thankfully its master knows how and learned painfully how to make sure IT survives…for it has gone through so much in its existence, its master is astonished that it could still be ‘around’ after all that has happened so far, of the hardships that it went through, of the anguish it has suffered for years..of the grief it still lives with till today..it is truly amazing that its master is still alive

It knows it must survive, it knows it must hold on no matter the odds. no matter the madness this world has to offer; no matter how many lives has passed before its eyes…because it is depended upon for so many things that its master must have to survive…what God has given unto us, He can and will take it away,..so before that happens, it cannot die…it must not…die..for it..dying means it would cease to exist…not being there in the first place..never missed because it was never there. There ARE things worst than death, the unmarked graves in Chernobyl, the millions more around the time of The Holocaust…even in the present-which are too many going around right now to mention.

Humans are very capable of doing the impossible, achieving the level of greatness and kindness. Sadly we are also capable of some of the most heinous of sins; If you haven’t watched Se7en..then maybe after this you should. If you can tell..or discern what IT is…then maybe you know that I’m not out of topic…assuming you know what the topic is..he ..he…hmm…if you’re reading this…then you’d know what its’ like now. And what I’ve written about it, is when it is in an unmoving, static and stagnant form.

Could you imagine…would you dare to imagine what you would be reading if it was in. . . its most vulnerable state?…When it is going through the adversities that our life is capable of mustering from its’ cycle within time? I would not dare to go there, I could not go there…and to describe it in a condition other than what is written would be….unbearable. Even thinking about writing it that way is…I do not have that kind of endurance. A friend told me once, “Smile when you have nothing to say, for it has ‘unsaid words’ that could reach people in a whole different way,’ which I guess is true…Thank You…not sure how my blog would be like without music, maybe Matt could do something about Sonific gone from the widgets..till then, peace out…and go to last.fm or something since it will be quiet for awhile in here, in the…

“Acrimonious Consciousness of the Human Mind”. . .

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How do you tell if you like someone. Actually how do you tell if you like someone when you ‘like’ someone. The romantically-term of like…or simply like? So like how would you tell if you like the person if simply for the looks or by that person’s…hmmm..personality? Funny thing about ‘liking’ someone usually it evolves into something else isn’t it?…’Something else’ similar maybe to an infatuation, fascination, passion or even obsession? Or maybe you just like the persons’ laughter..or his/her way of talking to people. Or maybe how that person expresses him/herself in a way different than others maybe? Wearing a clown suit to a Halloween would a bit off, so nothing too different okay.

Lets not go to the word ‘love’..at least not yet..maybe later. So what criteria are used most in evaluating someone whether you like them or not. I mean for guys its almost-always looks…and something else not entirely focused on looks for the ladies…but hey, no woman would be dumb enough to brush off a cute guy sipping his drink at the bar right? But then again, if the cute guy also happens to be picking his nose thinking no one was looking…hmmm..respect the lady who would actually let him shake her hand after seeing that.

There is also the type of ‘liking’ someone after first time meeting another guy. Maybe its the way he ‘carries’ himself, the way he moves…or the way he talks..lets just hope the guy doesn’t have bad breath once he opens his mouth. Then again women aren’t dumb. Not as dumb as us guys…Ok, I get it…if you’re so smart boys, why is it usually only us guys that starts drooling over beautiful women that passes us by when we’re sitting as the bar? And women still knows how to keep cool and act nonchalant as cute guys walk right pass by them…hmmm? In other words ‘drooling’ ain’t really a sign of intelligence now is it? But then again; guys don’t have to be smart around women, just a different type of smart thats’ all. ;]

I’m not saying women never actually ‘drool’ over good looking guys; just that they know how to do it in a manner that don’t make them end up looking like a proboscis monkey(spelling might be off there). But women are unique in a sense that, they’re not all too picky (at least not ALL) about looks per se. More of what they look for to trigger the ‘like’ word in their heads has more to do with how guys ‘present’ themselves. The only ‘presenting’ factor most guys(again, not ALL) look for are the “Heavenly-Valleys’ or hints of a beautiful ‘Greek-Goddess’ passing by.

Ever wondered why most of the time you see beautiful women walking around with slightly ugly or just average-looking guys instead of the other way around? Ahh yes, the somewhat myth or an age old factor of ‘The idiot monkey is a rich-f$$%!’..sorry to say this but; not all the ‘idiot monkeys’ are actually rich, well-off or has a FAT trust-fund. Actually most of the ‘idiot-monkeys’ that I personally know can’t even afford to take his hot girlfriend to Pizza Hut. Lets say only 1/3 of them are actually…just well-off and not ‘personally’ rich. Just daddy’s spoiled brat. I’m just lucky I’m friends with spoiled brats that aren’t assholes to his friends.

The way a guy talks, how he talks; especially what ‘crap’ or ‘grooviness’ comes outta his mouth. Sometimes even how he reacts to how people around them talks are some of the factors that leads a woman to actually like another guy. Hey sure, if he’s rich it’ll help. Cute butt, sure…but then again, why oh why is this world not spinning the way MOST men think it should? I was in K.L. a couple of years ago, and saw these ‘God-I-wanna-bash-your-face-to-the-pavement-all-day’ looking men, sitting on their ‘kap-chai'[cheap-ass motorbikes] chilling-out near Bukit Bintang area and sitting or snuggling up to them are these women you know that should either end up on the cover of SEVENTEEN magazine or FHM…not really in VIVID or PENTHOUSE magazine or anything like that..I’d probably kill myself on the spot if the chicks were THAT hot.

Hmm…should I get a Vespa then? Or maybe ‘I’ should scrape my face on the pavement to look like them?…naah..I’m good as it is and so are all the average-looking men out there. I’m just wondering how it ‘computes’. Which in the end, it DOESN’T, which I am fine with actually. Cause not all things in this world should be taken into consideration through simple logic and/or reason. If your friends think you should only try courting/pairing up with someone ‘in-your-own-league'[I.e-as butt ugly as you maybe?], then that would only mean they are using their logic and reason; not yours. Which is good. Cause its their ‘logic and reason’.

Why did I say its ‘good’? Because usually we’re not actually thinking when you ‘think’ you like someone. At least not for women…or men that is old enough to know what’s good for his health…or wallet ;].

Because if liking someone actually ‘should’ be evaluated through simple logic and reason. . . . then tell me,.. how do you explain …LOVE ?? Because this is the result of what liking someone would be in the end, one way or another isn’t it? You ‘think’ love has logic in it? You ‘think’ love has reason in it? Do you even ‘think’ for a fraction of a “1/4000 second-shutter-speed” moment that you were even THINKING when you’re IN love with someone.

Maybe I’m just an old fashioned dude, but I prefer to kiss first before I f*** so yeah I prefer to ‘like’ someone before anything else happens. But whatever you do, think..or even feel when you like someone; know that its cool to like or be liked by people…its just that sometimes when you like someone or being liked by another person; it tends to take you to ‘murky waters’. And sometimes we get lost…and worse; sometimes we actually want to get lost. Its okay to get lost, if you know how to find your way or someone could guide you back to safety.

Liking someone is cool,…liked by another person is even better,…getting yourself LOST? Hmm..trust me,you do not want to go there. . .

I’ve received mails, both love and hate, from people I don’t know concerning this blog. No need to name names, cause its a waste of time. But I can tell ‘them’ this, and you KNOW who you ARE :

Noticed why I haven’t written something for some time now? Noticed that I haven’t posted anything for awhile? And did you notice that your FRIENDS and FAMILY and your LOVED ONES are ‘passing-you-by’? If you didn’t, then let me make this clear. LIVE YOUR LIFE!!

There is no reason, NONE at all for you to; BE me. There is no reason to ‘feel’ exactly like me, to be ‘bitter‘ exactly like me. Or even to be someone that is totally NOT you. I feel alive when I post my thoughts and feelings on this blog, NOT DEAD. Whatever feelings and thoughts go through my entire being while I write? That is another story. And even ‘that’ you should not wonder too much about. Someone asked me: how did I get my inspirations…well..if you could call them ‘inspirations’. I’d probably be bleeding my slit-wrists by now but I’M NOT. Its’ more of ‘something else’.

My life, my joy, my pain, my memories are all…‘obscured’ to even me. And whatever any of you have been through in life, you can sometimes relate to what I wrote. So…’relate’ to them. TWO THINGS that I really, really believe makes this world spin: Money..and Women. Call me a chauvinistic prick. Really, go ahead. I’ve been called worst even while I’m having a coffee alone quietly in a cafe’ on Sunday morning. And what makes more nonsense to me, the same person called me for a coffee two days later. Say WTF?!

So I’ve been busy…mostly on the ‘money’ part. Not the women part. At least, for now. . .

The intention of this ‘multi-mail-reply’ blog is this: Just chill, cause thats all we as humans can do isn’t it? I’m sure I can’t bring your girl back for you. I’m positive I cannot make him regret ever leaving you. And for damn sure I CANNOT make all your ‘memories’ go away either… But I CAN make you take that trip down ‘memory lane’. And almost all that I have posted ARE about taking that trip no matter how dreadful it may be for you. BUT..memories are not ALL that bad now, ARE THEY?

How about the time your mother carried you in her arms when she took you to the hospital cause you just ‘ripped’ your eye open after an ‘accident’ with a large porcelain in the living room…yeah being 7 years old was fun for me. The pain was my eye, the joy was being in my mothers’ arms. How about the time you lost your virginity? Oooh I would go into the details…but I can’t really..;]…sooo..you just ‘relate’ to your OWN memories for now.

How about the time you got a bouquet of roses for the first time in your life from a ‘secret admirer’, only to find out sometime later the person happens to be your dream girl? or man? Your first kiss? Everyone could remember that. The warmth of it. The wetness. And for the ‘popping’ feet for the ladies ;].

I write what goes ‘through’ my head and my heart and my fucked up soul. Why is it fucked up? If you’ve been following my blog from the beginning you’d probably get some hints of why. And for those who have been following and/or reading from the first post: Why is this guy not DEAD yet? Cause its not time for me to go. I LOVE my family too much to simply ‘leave’ them. And I want to and I MUST GO ON simply because I can’t GO BACK.

So DON’T go back. So DON’T feel like shit all the time. And please don’t mope around feeling helpless, useless and so full of remorse all day. You FIGHT the urge to ‘feel’ them for long periods of time. And if you have NOT noticed at every post I’ve written, I ‘encourage’ you to THINK HARD about what you’ve read and do the OPPOSITE of what you would ‘feel’ after reading them. There is ALWAYS, always something and/or someone that keeps us alive in this world. Keep em’ around till the day you die.

Relate to what I’ve written my friends, the blogs, compare your minds to what you’ve read. DO NOT ‘relate’ …to my ‘soul’. Trust me, you don’t want to go there. I’m not saying you shouldn’t, I’m just saying that it is ‘not pretty‘…but it could also bequite enlightening‘ to be there. And I respect you if you would dare to venture in. No matter how ‘deep’ you think my writing was.

We could be a friends and try to understand me. And you’ll find that I’m not the type of person who would put a bullet in his skull just because he’s fucked-up… somewhere inside. Why is this important to say? Simply because people shouldn’t judge a person just by reading about what he/she have written.

Stephen King and Clive Barker would be very, very lonely individuals if you judge them simply by their novels wouldn’t it? Makes sense now yes? So, please pay attention when you read my stuff. And know …for a fact, I ‘open-minds’ and yes…I do open up ‘old wounds’. But I also ask you, nay…beg you…to UNDERSTAND more of what you’ve been through in life; DON’T simply ‘re-live’ your past and staying in the past. Please Understand what you went through, and seek wisdom in what you’ve been through. Simply ‘rewind, stop, play; rinse and repeat’ won’t fucking help. Trust me. IT BLOODY WON’T.

And to better understand your lives as a whole, past ,present or future; you must ‘seek yourself’ within. Find the answers. And I know you will. But to understand ones’ self, one must also raise important questions to better find what answers fits which questions that are being raised in the first place. I have been raising more questions by the day to myself. And you’ve also noted [I hope], that I raise more questions of who or what we are, how and why we are the way we are. The answers to the many questions that we ask ourselves has always been ‘with us’ all along. Since when?….from the womb. So find them.

Don’t simply think that moping, crying and feeling crappy all day would help you. I know, I’m like that too once; but not too often now. You’d be stuck in a ‘senseless cycle of mind-deprivation’. And you’d go mad eventually. I almost did, but the method of how I keep my sanity in check is a bit unorthodox..;]. ‘Pauses’: as my last post stated it. That is what it is. I DID NOT tell you to pause indefinitely my friends. So why did you? Why should you? Why must you do so?

There are no reasons we shouldn’t continue living our lives. And if you think I’m going to start a ‘self-help’ blog from now on…dunk your heads in the toilet bowl right now please cause nothing less would make me any happier ;]. Why should any of you want to ‘be in my shoes’. It ain’t shoes, more like red hot metal of iron-clad boots. With sharp objects put in it. By an old hag that is covered in puss and worms for hair.

Understand what has happened….raise the questions…and find the answers within yourself. This is a VITAL process that MUST NOT be put in any other way. Don’t simply find answers to something you don’t even understand and raising questions you don’t even know what answers to find because you never understood it in the first place. Understand, ask yourself….and you WILL find the answer eventually. Not the other way around or starting from the middle.

And why I said don’t BE me. Not in my head….not in my heart….and definitely NOT my soul. I’m NOT saying I’m the best out there writing about this shit, what I’m saying is…I’ve done it FOR YOU. The ‘rewinds’ the ‘pauses’ and the ‘stops’ in our lives. And its not even ALL of our lives. I cannot tell you of the pain a mother goes through while cradling her dead son in her arms somewhere in the middle East; I can’t tell you how a son feels knowing he must continue her mothers’ legacy after she was assassinated while meeting people in a public rally. Lots more I can’t even begin to understand.

There is only one BOB MARLEY, only one MOTHER TERESA and only one P. RAMLEE. You get my point. Just like there is only one JOSEPH STALIN or one ADOLPH HITLER. We don’t need anymore people like ANY of the above, that would make them pretty ‘common’ won’t it? Nothing would make them special, either in a bad way or a good way.

And to end this ‘multi-mail-reply’…I would like to tell the one person I KNOW I have ‘struck a chord’ in her ‘distraught-consciousness’ which is quite recently. My lady, If life was all that bad ; If life was completely exactly what has been read through in this blog…and you probably have yet to understand. Then why, may I ask…that you have so many people so close to you, so dear and loving and caring; that DOESN’T even think or feel about life the way you do right now?

Understand that those people around you; they are ‘there’ For You. So ask yourself why they are ‘there’ for you and why you can’t be ‘there’ WITH them. . . the answers would be : They are ‘there’ because they are your family and they are truly your closest of friends. And why you are not with them? Because you chose the ‘easier’ answer in life. Which is: ‘punishing yourself senselessly for what has happened’. In other words, erase the last question from your disturbed soul; there is no need for it. ‘Senselessly punishing ones’ self’ is never, . . .ever an answer to ANY questions you might have.

Kept in the dark for far too long,

There is nothing to brood over when one is lost completely,

So find yourself from within and be strong,

Because life is more meaningful when you live it in serenity.

Xander. . .” Have a blast, its tha’ weekend baby, yeah!!”