For those that . . .went ‘too-deep’.

I’ve received mails, both love and hate, from people I don’t know concerning this blog. No need to name names, cause its a waste of time. But I can tell ‘them’ this, and you KNOW who you ARE :

Noticed why I haven’t written something for some time now? Noticed that I haven’t posted anything for awhile? And did you notice that your FRIENDS and FAMILY and your LOVED ONES are ‘passing-you-by’? If you didn’t, then let me make this clear. LIVE YOUR LIFE!!

There is no reason, NONE at all for you to; BE me. There is no reason to ‘feel’ exactly like me, to be ‘bitter‘ exactly like me. Or even to be someone that is totally NOT you. I feel alive when I post my thoughts and feelings on this blog, NOT DEAD. Whatever feelings and thoughts go through my entire being while I write? That is another story. And even ‘that’ you should not wonder too much about. Someone asked me: how did I get my inspirations…well..if you could call them ‘inspirations’. I’d probably be bleeding my slit-wrists by now but I’M NOT. Its’ more of ‘something else’.

My life, my joy, my pain, my memories are all…‘obscured’ to even me. And whatever any of you have been through in life, you can sometimes relate to what I wrote. So…’relate’ to them. TWO THINGS that I really, really believe makes this world spin: Money..and Women. Call me a chauvinistic prick. Really, go ahead. I’ve been called worst even while I’m having a coffee alone quietly in a cafe’ on Sunday morning. And what makes more nonsense to me, the same person called me for a coffee two days later. Say WTF?!

So I’ve been busy…mostly on the ‘money’ part. Not the women part. At least, for now. . .

The intention of this ‘multi-mail-reply’ blog is this: Just chill, cause thats all we as humans can do isn’t it? I’m sure I can’t bring your girl back for you. I’m positive I cannot make him regret ever leaving you. And for damn sure I CANNOT make all your ‘memories’ go away either… But I CAN make you take that trip down ‘memory lane’. And almost all that I have posted ARE about taking that trip no matter how dreadful it may be for you. BUT..memories are not ALL that bad now, ARE THEY?

How about the time your mother carried you in her arms when she took you to the hospital cause you just ‘ripped’ your eye open after an ‘accident’ with a large porcelain in the living room…yeah being 7 years old was fun for me. The pain was my eye, the joy was being in my mothers’ arms. How about the time you lost your virginity? Oooh I would go into the details…but I can’t really..;]…sooo..you just ‘relate’ to your OWN memories for now.

How about the time you got a bouquet of roses for the first time in your life from a ‘secret admirer’, only to find out sometime later the person happens to be your dream girl? or man? Your first kiss? Everyone could remember that. The warmth of it. The wetness. And for the ‘popping’ feet for the ladies ;].

I write what goes ‘through’ my head and my heart and my fucked up soul. Why is it fucked up? If you’ve been following my blog from the beginning you’d probably get some hints of why. And for those who have been following and/or reading from the first post: Why is this guy not DEAD yet? Cause its not time for me to go. I LOVE my family too much to simply ‘leave’ them. And I want to and I MUST GO ON simply because I can’t GO BACK.

So DON’T go back. So DON’T feel like shit all the time. And please don’t mope around feeling helpless, useless and so full of remorse all day. You FIGHT the urge to ‘feel’ them for long periods of time. And if you have NOT noticed at every post I’ve written, I ‘encourage’ you to THINK HARD about what you’ve read and do the OPPOSITE of what you would ‘feel’ after reading them. There is ALWAYS, always something and/or someone that keeps us alive in this world. Keep em’ around till the day you die.

Relate to what I’ve written my friends, the blogs, compare your minds to what you’ve read. DO NOT ‘relate’ …to my ‘soul’. Trust me, you don’t want to go there. I’m not saying you shouldn’t, I’m just saying that it is ‘not pretty‘…but it could also be ‘quite enlightening‘ to be there. And I respect you if you would dare to venture in. No matter how ‘deep’ you think my writing was.

We could be a friends and try to understand me. And you’ll find that I’m not the type of person who would put a bullet in his skull just because he’s fucked-up… somewhere inside. Why is this important to say? Simply because people shouldn’t judge a person just by reading about what he/she have written.

Stephen King and Clive Barker would be very, very lonely individuals if you judge them simply by their novels wouldn’t it? Makes sense now yes? So, please pay attention when you read my stuff. And know …for a fact, I ‘open-minds’ and yes…I do open up ‘old wounds’. But I also ask you, nay…beg you…to UNDERSTAND more of what you’ve been through in life; DON’T simply ‘re-live’ your past and staying in the past. Please Understand what you went through, and seek wisdom in what you’ve been through. Simply ‘rewind, stop, play; rinse and repeat’ won’t fucking help. Trust me. IT BLOODY WON’T.

And to better understand your lives as a whole, past ,present or future; you must ‘seek yourself’ within. Find the answers. And I know you will. But to understand ones’ self, one must also raise important questions to better find what answers fits which questions that are being raised in the first place. I have been raising more questions by the day to myself. And you’ve also noted [I hope], that I raise more questions of who or what we are, how and why we are the way we are. The answers to the many questions that we ask ourselves has always been ‘with us’ all along. Since when?….from the womb. So find them.

Don’t simply think that moping, crying and feeling crappy all day would help you. I know, I’m like that too once; but not too often now. You’d be stuck in a ‘senseless cycle of mind-deprivation’. And you’d go mad eventually. I almost did, but the method of how I keep my sanity in check is a bit unorthodox..;]. ‘Pauses’: as my last post stated it. That is what it is. I DID NOT tell you to pause indefinitely my friends. So why did you? Why should you? Why must you do so?

There are no reasons we shouldn’t continue living our lives. And if you think I’m going to start a ‘self-help’ blog from now on…dunk your heads in the toilet bowl right now please cause nothing less would make me any happier ;]. Why should any of you want to ‘be in my shoes’. It ain’t shoes, more like red hot metal of iron-clad boots. With sharp objects put in it. By an old hag that is covered in puss and worms for hair.

Understand what has happened….raise the questions…and find the answers within yourself. This is a VITAL process that MUST NOT be put in any other way. Don’t simply find answers to something you don’t even understand and raising questions you don’t even know what answers to find because you never understood it in the first place. Understand, ask yourself….and you WILL find the answer eventually. Not the other way around or starting from the middle.

And why I said don’t BE me. Not in my head….not in my heart….and definitely NOT my soul. I’m NOT saying I’m the best out there writing about this shit, what I’m saying is…I’ve done it FOR YOU. The ‘rewinds’ the ‘pauses’ and the ‘stops’ in our lives. And its not even ALL of our lives. I cannot tell you of the pain a mother goes through while cradling her dead son in her arms somewhere in the middle East; I can’t tell you how a son feels knowing he must continue her mothers’ legacy after she was assassinated while meeting people in a public rally. Lots more I can’t even begin to understand.

There is only one BOB MARLEY, only one MOTHER TERESA and only one P. RAMLEE. You get my point. Just like there is only one JOSEPH STALIN or one ADOLPH HITLER. We don’t need anymore people like ANY of the above, that would make them pretty ‘common’ won’t it? Nothing would make them special, either in a bad way or a good way.

And to end this ‘multi-mail-reply’…I would like to tell the one person I KNOW I have ‘struck a chord’ in her ‘distraught-consciousness’ which is quite recently. My lady, If life was all that bad ; If life was completely exactly what has been read through in this blog…and you probably have yet to understand. Then why, may I ask…that you have so many people so close to you, so dear and loving and caring; that DOESN’T even think or feel about life the way you do right now?

Understand that those people around you; they are ‘there’ For You. So ask yourself why they are ‘there’ for you and why you can’t be ‘there’ WITH them. . . the answers would be : They are ‘there’ because they are your family and they are truly your closest of friends. And why you are not with them? Because you chose the ‘easier’ answer in life. Which is: ‘punishing yourself senselessly for what has happened’. In other words, erase the last question from your disturbed soul; there is no need for it. ‘Senselessly punishing ones’ self’ is never, . . .ever an answer to ANY questions you might have.

Kept in the dark for far too long,

There is nothing to brood over when one is lost completely,

So find yourself from within and be strong,

Because life is more meaningful when you live it in serenity.

Xander. . .” Have a blast, its tha’ weekend baby, yeah!!”