Archive for the ‘ramblings’ Category

A Welcome Emptiness…

Posted: December 22, 2011 in life, ramblings

I never thought I’d welcome this emptiness that I have inside right now. Its’ been a long time coming but some things in life one cannot drag, stretch or delay for far too long. Maybe there is such a thing as quitting while you’re ahead but when there’s so much shit you’ve gone through in the shortest amount of time which can crack a sane man into lunacy; sometimes you just have to put your feet down and say ‘Enough is enough’. And there is no shame or wrongness in quitting early if you have thought out thoroughly what you are going to get yourself into and have weighed out the pros and cons carefully and in detail.

And yes I can be ‘very’ detailed… even in relationships. Maybe that’s my weakness? Maybe its’ a blessing… maybe its’ just me being me. Or maybe some people just can’t read English properly any more because all they do is watch ASTRO RIA 24/fucking-7(a local tv channel full of crap shows and NON-English speaking idiots).

Yes I am digressing too much of something you couldn’t fathom yet, but bear with me. What I’m trying to say is… don’t ever let go of who you are…who you TRULY are. Not for anyone or anything no matter what the consequences may be. Yes, at times we give in and we take from people around us as we accept their weaknesses and appreciate their strengths; But how would one respond to someone that took a whole lot more than you gave in? I’m not talking about 50/50 here, more like 80/20. What happens then?

You’d have lost some of yourself and gave in some of you that makes you who you are and become something completely contrary and altered altogether. Especially true when you are the compliant type and your friend or partner is the cantankerous and recalcitrant type.

How would I describe my life these past four months? Felt like a male praying-mantis with the exception of being killed after mating, I was maimed, ridiculed and disrespected as well as scrutinize meticulously each and every time I utter a word or did something which is disapproved by her.

Trust me folks, when you feel you are not the same person you were 2 months before and you know you are not being a better person for it. Drop the A-Bomb, leave the fucking building or in my case; pack your suitcase and take that fucking plane and fly your ass back to familiar grounds!

And yes, I am talking about relationship. In this instance mine. And, No… I’m not gonna rant about her though I already did so in a few words or more but since I felt nothing as I ended it; why waste precious space on the server? But don’t get me wrong, the remnants of what had been and of the past will come back to haunt any one even me~ why?

Because we are just humans and we are capable of feeling anything… especially Emptiness.

Thank you and good night, cause its’ always dark somewhere on this globe… welcome back Xander. Welcome back…

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I was about to leave somethin’ on FB’s status update,  not sure why but… feels like, somehow …redundant? Maybe, not sure why…what I am sure of is Massy being the first to leave a comment on this post.~kan Mas? 😛

What happened lately? Well recently, actually a few hours ago, just went to the Sabah Stompin’ 2010… you have to go life in borneo for that though; No I ain’t bloggin’ about it here. Met Chegu carol and a charming young lady called Ennie(hope I got your name right las’)…I say charming cause I still had Jim Beam circulating within my blood vessel when I met you and chegu’.

Lemme see, twas’ fun I have to admit…The crew from Singapore and Borneo Mc was awesome(if typo, I apologize) and brought the multifarious congregation of people into a convivial frenzy and effervescence.~Don’t get me started, it’s Daniels’ turn to write this one.

Man Kidal was of course ‘Godly’ with the axe, as well as Joe Wings. I would sell my soul to the devil to have whatever blessing they got; problem is my soul ain’t worth a dollar at the moment hahah!!! Because it costs RM4500 give or take a few bux! Any Buyers?~ heheh; thought so.

Ella was…well…Ella. Don’t crucify me on that, I’m more of a Ramli Sarip, Amy Search, kinda guy aight’.Now that I’m done ‘talkin’/mini-bloggin’ about the stompin’; I’m gonna end this ‘update’ with this…

I love playin’ the game, its’ my favorite game of all. What game you might ask? This game is paid not using arcade tokens or swipin’ your credit card(okay, unless you’re a cheapskate then it won’t cost you anythinglah); Its’ the game that all humans play with their opposite sex,yes… that game.

And very recently I learned that we can NEVER stop learning that game, nor are we too OLD to learn new stuff as well. And as of two incidents that transpired last night; I also learned that, sometimes~

DIFFICULTY of the Chase does NOT necessarily reflect the ACTUAL  QUALITY of ‘target’.

Xander. ~Were I to have wings, I’d fly straight down to hell just to find my place up in heaven.

For every beginning there must be an end… and the end of this blog has come. Certain priorities have been thrust upon me especially close to the end of the year.. and I must get to them.. but to those that know me well, tis’ not the reason why I’m closing this blog for good. This blogs’ journey must come to an end..

First time I started malleus21.wordpress.com was …. to find my answer…to find meaning.. to find… my ‘closure’.. It was a journey worth remembering for the rest of my existence and no matter what people have said in the past did not matter…cause what people say about you is NONE of your business, its theirs.

Whats in the past NEVER did matter, and I failed to learn that earlier than I ought to; but I have reached my closure; my ‘enlightenment’ if you will ladies and gentlemen. Some of you might be asking why not wait the year end? Well, somethings in life you simply cannot delay any longer.

“..careful when you’re digging up the past, you might just find what you’ve been looking for..” which is more BS in my case… but a good BS… ok that ‘sounded’ wrong didn’t it… look at it this way… a burden have been lifted from my chest, thats’ the best I can explain it. Qada & Qadar is what my ‘people’ calls it.. and I’ve come to terms with it.. with a calm and soothed heart and soul I finally have… but with great heaviness and utter indisposition, I have to end this blog.

To those that is new to this blog you might find the rest ‘utterly’ boring(starting with this paragraph), so I apologize to both friends and family beforehand. So I dedicate this last of last enrty, last of last post, my last ‘drop of soul’ to my closest of friends and family who have contributed directly in my journey {in no particular order}; Borneon Ninja, Radzie, Eshark, .. and to everyone in the blogosphere out there.

A very, very special thanks and respect to both Fina and Tania, for making my journey that much less agonizing through out this year. (Sorry peeps can’t really ‘link’ Fina or Tania.. and the answer is NO, they are not fictional.. I’m ending a blog, not writing a suicide note) And a special thanks to Matt (wordpress Big-Boss).

I’m neither good with poems nor poetry… but what else may I write upon this last entry?…

In less than a year I have found my closure,
A grand play designed by by own fear,
A theater of my own creation,
Unknowing of its nature upon completion.
With every breath I strive to find,
What has been bothering my feeble mind,
With every step my burdens are lessened,
with every second my soul is weakened.
Writing in the dark upon a note pad I did,
keeping me warm through this cold night they did,
with my close friends from perhaps Europe & America,
by the names of Jack Daniels and Chivas haha!!
My acquaintance lying next to me I kind of forgotten the name,
I’ll probably wait till she wakes up cause I find this quite lame,
when I could be typing all this without effort in a PC,
you’d expect to see a laptop around since she owns a Beemer M3.
Men are weird creatures aren’t we? ,
I still could not understand you see,
Finding remedy for a wound caused by the same ‘venom’,
This fact and reality I could never fathom.
I had to write down what is pouring out of me,
So I wouldn’t lose anything precious & pure to me,
of course by now you are reading this in its electronic form,
unless a tree fell down and knocked the cables down cause of a storm.
Everyone has their own ‘fuel’ in life,
Simply to live longer and survive,
This world is already in a complete mess,
I’m merely trying to cope up just like the rest.
There are many like me & then there are not,
one thing for sure a hypocrite I am not,
I’m merely saying we live our lives the way we see fit,
hoping to see the light one day even though only a glimmer bit by bit.
Upon my barren wasteland I carefully tread,
my footsteps slow but my foot prints quickly fade,
one wrong step or one wrong turn I know I shall fall,
into the great abyss which its’ name I cannot recall.
What I taste and feel in the real world,
full of life, laughter and even shiny pearl,
is far different from what is underneath this facade,
empty dark voids which cannot be filled with even a Mardi-Gras parade.
But seeing those sights, sounds and colors,
full of smiles cheers and rich with culture,
from within Borneo my own backyard,
having traveled so far it eases the agony and pain is less hard.
waiting for Ninja for an hour as he uses the lodges toilet,
almost wanted to break the door down with a mallet,
but the panoramic views and ‘the drunken-helmet’ guy was funny and amazing,
even though deep inside at that time I was still tormented and agonizing,
the chick at the bar was quite a looker too,
and yes Zie, she lives in Luyang I knew,
the village was lilke something I pictured in a dream,
only that in my dreams the dancers were Japanese and Latinas it seems.
The ‘tour’ was great and an adventure worth writing about,
and yes it will be logged in borneotrekkerz from time to time no doubt!
for sure a lot in the ‘circle’ wants to know,
what else happened while we were at the ‘southern” tip of Borneo?
the rhyming is off, of that I am sure,
what else can I say about my closure,
except for the fact that I started it for a reason,
and since I’ve done with my search I am complacent.
complacent of the fact that I have been given the answers,
to my questions along  my journey so arduous,
though I should’ve expected the ‘unexpected’,
so that once I found them the wounds could still be treated.
but the answers that I have discovered were far from comforting,
the fact that I actually reached the end of this journey is more than a blessing,
we as human beings cannot expect too much of this life,
we can only aspire to better ourselves and face all challenges or strife,
A suffering you feel today would be felt by another tomorrow,
but you will never know what kind of torment they’re going through;what kind of sorrow,
and if you think for a second you have had or is having the worst fate than the rest,
just remember we are mere micro specks of life and the world is already a mess.
but that doesn’t mean that our lives must end simply because the world seems to be,
just have to stick your chest out and keep your head up and face it with a glee,
so don’t wait for your ‘calling’ but instead chase it,
you’ll never know along your journey someone might take it,
Sometimes I amaze myself with the ‘opposites’
I thought I was kind of a ‘ditz’
But what has ‘transpired’ in that car,
Was Xander’s best moment of 2008 so far!!

There’s a reason why its’ always night somewhere around the world because its always daytime on the opposite side of the horizon. A fact that I learned a little too late, but at least I did and its’ better than never. I DID say I SucK at poems…

Last but not least… for 7 months… of the 7 years that I have wasted

Farewell …

P.S: I’m not ‘dead’ per-se… you can still find me at lifeinborneo.com and borneonitez.com