Posts Tagged ‘celebrations’

Is crying..an escape to another place. To somewhere, where you can be anyone you wished you couldn’t in front of so many that you know..or don’t know? When one sheds’ his or her tears…will it really make things better. When one cries unexpectedly when receiving such good news of a newborn child; knowing that you are a mother/father now and life will be more beautiful. When it all happens so fast…if you feel your cheeks wet with tears running down from those eyes of yours…’where’ are you? Whats’ happening?

A joyous occasion or a painful tragedy. Whatever the case, tears flow easily from our eyes when situations like these arise. But what happens when…at a certain point…where you just can’t cry anymore. No matter how ‘strong’ the emotions running through you at that moment. Even as you lay your head on your pillow to sleep; the pain is so strong within and it somehow actually feels ‘physically’ agonizing. No matter how hard you try, not a single drop of tear fall from your eyes. Then what?

Does it mean you’re heartless? Without emotions. Without conscience and free of guilt? Or does it simply mean..you’re ‘growing up’…you’ve matured..and you’ve become ‘stronger’ now more than ever?…They say ‘don’t hold it in…let it out..yell or cry..’…what happens then when you can’t even yell or shout it out? You’re completely dumb-founded. You’re wondering to yourself..’Whats happening to me?’. And is it a good thing that you’re not crying? Not yelling it out?

Amongst the festivities and celebrations. Awesome events of joy and happiness..you’re at the corner of a large stage…thinking,..feeling…but not knowing why you just can’t let it out. When all these powerful emotions running through your mind..heart and soul. You just simply can’t understand the logic. What if you’re stuck in this limbo of enigma that is threatening your very being? Will you be stuck forever? Will you stop ‘feeling’ anything anymore?

What if by the end of the day…you are completely ‘stagnant’ deep inside..neither feeling happiness or sadness anymore? Will it lead to this? Nothing is black or white to you anymore…everything is completely ‘gray’. Will it drive you to madness and insecurity? Will it lead you to your doom and inevitable confusion for the rest of your life? You’re neither stuck on the past anymore..but you don’t feel like moving forward sometimes either…this situation completely baffles me.

Will I be saved in the future…more importantly do I want to be saved even? Have I ‘tailored’ myself so I won’t ‘feel anything’ anymore? Is that even possible…even this would lead to more questions. Unanswered as they are already. Are humans capable of this? Is there a scientific or psychiatric term for this condition? Everything’s bottled up inside and nowhere to go…do I need to break the bottle now? To say that I don’t care or don’t mind…I would be lying to myself…would be lying to yourself if you’re in my predicament too.

Only thing ‘running’ right now is my nose and this stupid flu. Maybe I got them from the ‘Hornbills’ but then again I didn’t get to see any this past weekend; I did get to see gorgeous women from our neighbours and exceptional performances; awesome as it were. Crazy…thats’ all I can say…and…blissful…amongst the joyous and memorable celebration of culture, colors and multiracial society; one sits in the corner feeling…or more appropriate unfeeling …anything.

A safety mechanism kicking in?…A powerful ’emotional and mental’ barrier subconsciously switched on after so long being dormant and unused maybe? …maybe…then again…maybe traveling to new places and seeing so many new faces…was the trigger that I needed…And maybe, I’m comfortable with it? Hmm…

I don’t fly around your ‘Fire’ anymore, burned inside and out so many times before … – Audioslave

Advertisements