Posts Tagged ‘heart’

Lost. . .

Posted: May 17, 2008 in life
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Its easy for people to fall…but why is it harder to ‘get up’ from that fall. So we could learn to pick ourselves up? So we might be better to handle another fall in the future?..hopefully.. To persevere and survive as we all must. But still the question remains,..why do we easily fall…especially falling for some one.

Worst than falling for someone…is getting lost in someone. Why do we lose ourselves so easily when we fall for someone? And have you ever wondered why is it so hard to fall ‘out’ of love too? This whole shit terribly sucks, I know. But what can we do…humans are made that way. Being lost in someone is far worse than falling in love with someone. Trust me, there is a BIG difference here.

Some shit in this world happens for a reason…but Love? There is no reason for it. It just fucking happens mate! And I’m not saying that in a ‘jolly-and-funny’ kind of way. Whats worse than it simply happening to you is that love mostly happens at the most unexpected time and usually at a point in your life where you are preoccupied with something more important. But lets’ not kid ourselves. When you’re ‘struck’ by that ‘deep-warm’ feeling inside, usually you can’t get him/her out of your head now can you?

With that said, its usually far worse when you are lost in someone. Lost within their very soul, very mind and heart. Completely understanding that person like no other have ever could. Within the chrysalis of his/her soul you became one with that person. And no matter how hard you try, you could not escape. No matter where you run or where you turn. Weird part is…deep inside yourself you want to be lost in their world, their dreams..their lives. You enjoy every moment of it. You bask in the atmosphere that they live in.

But what happens when that person suddenly…disappears from your life? Getting yourself lost in someone is stronger than love…or being in love with someone. Its both a dangerous path to take…and a wonderful adventure too. I call it an adventure because it is one. Getting lost within someone surpasses love…why?..because its an infatuation, a powerful obsession…a euphoric journey that you do not wish for it to end. And life as it seems, will end it for you….especially when you feel like you’re almost ‘there’.

So when that person suddenly vanish from your very existence? Suddenly decides maybe you’re too much too handle? Or simply because you or that person just doesn’t have time enough for it anymore? What happens to your ‘journey’? Your longing? Your dreams? Your imaginations? All I can say is this; if I was 15 years younger I’d be a complete idiot about it and blame God and people and go all EMO on the world. Luckily for me I grew up ‘with’ Kurt Cobain, Axl Rose, STP, Pantera and Metallica by my side so I’m not completely screwed up.

Simply tell yourselves, “Life is not only about one journey; its an accumulation of adventures as long as you draw breath in this world.”

And to ‘thee’,…twas’ a wonderful adventure and the most magnificent experience being lost within you. Maybe someday we’ll meet again. No one dared to do what you did. No one could achieve what you have. Maybe next time I’ll put up a warning sign, because you.. got lost within me . . .

A juncture in our lives. . .

Posted: April 22, 2008 in life
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Ever heard someone telling you that you’re too hung-up on someone/something or telling you that what has happened wasn’t in your power to prevent it from happening? Like telling you that he/she doesn’t even consider you as part of their lives anymore? Or a demise of someone very dear and close to you? And no matter how many times you hear people tell you to chill out and go on with your life, somehow..sometimes you have a ‘pause’ at one point in your life and you just can’t go on?

The feeling of wanting to reach for someone or anyone when you’re falling deep into the bottomless pit of despair which you call your heart. Your soul. Like drowning in a sea of emotions filled with a multitude of words you don’t want to use anymore in your life. Words that you’ve already locked out of your everyday life since the day you’ve lost that someone or something special.

It’s a pause that happens to ALL of us. And each and every one of us have different kinds of ‘ocean’ that we’re drowning in or even struggling to swim in. And why do I say that this is a ‘pause’? Because it simply IS. If you do not take it as it is, which is a pause; then I’m sure you need a reality check and know that there are people around you that might depend on you to lead them, to care for them and most of all they need you in their lives.

And I doubt those people would want a sad sap of a broken shell leading them or guiding them in their lives. Being lost in the past, in the sea of feelings that we dread most; is somewhat needed from time to time I think. I mean why do we even keep them with us? So that in the future we won’t be ‘drowning’ anymore. Instead in the future, we are simply swimming in them reluctantly as we are. Because no matter who you are or what you do, you WILL be swimming or drowning in them…from time to time. And hopefully not most of the time…

I’m not telling you to ‘rejoice’ the painful memories that you’ve went through. I’m just saying that this pause happens in our lives and its just a normality of living. Just as normal as you have hiccups once and awhile, or choking on your Big Mac, or having your internet connection slow down because your ISP is ‘upgrading’. And the pause just simply…kicks-in.

And when it begins, when we are drowning or swimming; deep inside our hearts and minds, within this ‘ocean’ of pain, suffering, affliction, agony, anguish, torment, misery, depression, gloom, despair, torture, grief, sorrow, regret, distress and lament; remember ‘where’ they are. And all of this are only happening within us. Deep inside of us. So let it be where it is. Within ourselves. Not ‘outside’.

What happens ‘outside’ of us must be and should be completely the exact opposite and try to find someone or something that does NOT make you feel more like a ‘chemical waste’. Either you go and watch that movie you’ve always wanted to watch, buy that Prada you’ve always wanted, or get that limited edition wallet that costs MYR400 bucks because you CAN. And you SHOULD.

Since that you’re flooded with emotions that hurts you deep inside when this ‘pause’ is occurring in your life. Please, surround yourselves with feelings of happiness, delight, bliss, contentment, hilarity, amusement,excitement, laughter, merriment, harmony, gratification, fulfillment, indulgence, pleasure, exhilaration, thrill and enthusiasm that life CAN be wonderful even if your mind, heart and soul are contrary to what you are experiencing within. And let all those emotions revolve around you and this is what you should rejoice in. Be in the moment and feel the enchantment of life unlike what you are feeling inside.

But don’t try to take the positive emotions surrounding you deep into your fragile psyche. Or even think you might be able to completely ‘cleanse’ you of all your inner demons, your deepest of sins, your worst of nightmares from your past away simply with positive feelings or thoughts. You can’t wash them clean from the sea of emotions that you have. That’s why I said, remember where they are. And let it be where it is. It may seem a contradictory statement, but look at it this way.

When you feel joy and happiness surrounding you, at least the pain inside won’t be as bad. And when you feel the ‘walls are closing in’, at least you’ll be laughing about it while your friend pours your mug with lager or clicking that ‘Send’ button on your Facebook apps’ knowing that you’ll make a few ladies smile [or agitated, I don’t know..] later when they check their ‘Mini-Feed’ section in the morning. Isn’t that better than picking up a razor and and try slicing your wrist? Wouldn’t that be much better than lying down on an ‘unlit’ highway at 2 a.m in the morning with hopes becoming another statistic for the local Road and Transportation department?

I’ll say this one last time for the uninitiated or which got ‘lost’ on the second paragraph; what’s going on around you; bask in the Ambiance. What’s happening inside of you, let it stay there. Don’t think of the said ‘ambience’ as a detergent or bleach that can wash it all away…cause it won’t.

Whats’ happening around you cannot and should not be the same as whats happening inside of you. No matter how many times you make yourself feel joy and happiness, do you even think, all that positive emotions you’ve just went through a few minutes ago could wash away ALL that bullshit you’ve been through all your life? So what makes you think it can purify the ‘chaos’ you’re going through inside? Especially if you’re all alone inside?

To ‘bring’ something as good as positive emotions ‘inside’, I honestly believe; you need someone new in your life, the kind of person you can share your most intimate of secrets and someone who wouldn’t mind drowning together with you in your sea of emotions…

And to find someone new…that’s probably another blog, another story, another time.

But in my case, well . . .