Posts Tagged ‘living’

A juncture in our lives. . .

Posted: April 22, 2008 in life
Tags: , , , , ,

Ever heard someone telling you that you’re too hung-up on someone/something or telling you that what has happened wasn’t in your power to prevent it from happening? Like telling you that he/she doesn’t even consider you as part of their lives anymore? Or a demise of someone very dear and close to you? And no matter how many times you hear people tell you to chill out and go on with your life, somehow..sometimes you have a ‘pause’ at one point in your life and you just can’t go on?

The feeling of wanting to reach for someone or anyone when you’re falling deep into the bottomless pit of despair which you call your heart. Your soul. Like drowning in a sea of emotions filled with a multitude of words you don’t want to use anymore in your life. Words that you’ve already locked out of your everyday life since the day you’ve lost that someone or something special.

It’s a pause that happens to ALL of us. And each and every one of us have different kinds of ‘ocean’ that we’re drowning in or even struggling to swim in. And why do I say that this is a ‘pause’? Because it simply IS. If you do not take it as it is, which is a pause; then I’m sure you need a reality check and know that there are people around you that might depend on you to lead them, to care for them and most of all they need you in their lives.

And I doubt those people would want a sad sap of a broken shell leading them or guiding them in their lives. Being lost in the past, in the sea of feelings that we dread most; is somewhat needed from time to time I think. I mean why do we even keep them with us? So that in the future we won’t be ‘drowning’ anymore. Instead in the future, we are simply swimming in them reluctantly as we are. Because no matter who you are or what you do, you WILL be swimming or drowning in them…from time to time. And hopefully not most of the time…

I’m not telling you to ‘rejoice’ the painful memories that you’ve went through. I’m just saying that this pause happens in our lives and its just a normality of living. Just as normal as you have hiccups once and awhile, or choking on your Big Mac, or having your internet connection slow down because your ISP is ‘upgrading’. And the pause just simply…kicks-in.

And when it begins, when we are drowning or swimming; deep inside our hearts and minds, within this ‘ocean’ of pain, suffering, affliction, agony, anguish, torment, misery, depression, gloom, despair, torture, grief, sorrow, regret, distress and lament; remember ‘where’ they are. And all of this are only happening within us. Deep inside of us. So let it be where it is. Within ourselves. Not ‘outside’.

What happens ‘outside’ of us must be and should be completely the exact opposite and try to find someone or something that does NOT make you feel more like a ‘chemical waste’. Either you go and watch that movie you’ve always wanted to watch, buy that Prada you’ve always wanted, or get that limited edition wallet that costs MYR400 bucks because you CAN. And you SHOULD.

Since that you’re flooded with emotions that hurts you deep inside when this ‘pause’ is occurring in your life. Please, surround yourselves with feelings of happiness, delight, bliss, contentment, hilarity, amusement,excitement, laughter, merriment, harmony, gratification, fulfillment, indulgence, pleasure, exhilaration, thrill and enthusiasm that life CAN be wonderful even if your mind, heart and soul are contrary to what you are experiencing within. And let all those emotions revolve around you and this is what you should rejoice in. Be in the moment and feel the enchantment of life unlike what you are feeling inside.

But don’t try to take the positive emotions surrounding you deep into your fragile psyche. Or even think you might be able to completely ‘cleanse’ you of all your inner demons, your deepest of sins, your worst of nightmares from your past away simply with positive feelings or thoughts. You can’t wash them clean from the sea of emotions that you have. That’s why I said, remember where they are. And let it be where it is. It may seem a contradictory statement, but look at it this way.

When you feel joy and happiness surrounding you, at least the pain inside won’t be as bad. And when you feel the ‘walls are closing in’, at least you’ll be laughing about it while your friend pours your mug with lager or clicking that ‘Send’ button on your Facebook apps’ knowing that you’ll make a few ladies smile [or agitated, I don’t know..] later when they check their ‘Mini-Feed’ section in the morning. Isn’t that better than picking up a razor and and try slicing your wrist? Wouldn’t that be much better than lying down on an ‘unlit’ highway at 2 a.m in the morning with hopes becoming another statistic for the local Road and Transportation department?

I’ll say this one last time for the uninitiated or which got ‘lost’ on the second paragraph; what’s going on around you; bask in the Ambiance. What’s happening inside of you, let it stay there. Don’t think of the said ‘ambience’ as a detergent or bleach that can wash it all away…cause it won’t.

Whats’ happening around you cannot and should not be the same as whats happening inside of you. No matter how many times you make yourself feel joy and happiness, do you even think, all that positive emotions you’ve just went through a few minutes ago could wash away ALL that bullshit you’ve been through all your life? So what makes you think it can purify the ‘chaos’ you’re going through inside? Especially if you’re all alone inside?

To ‘bring’ something as good as positive emotions ‘inside’, I honestly believe; you need someone new in your life, the kind of person you can share your most intimate of secrets and someone who wouldn’t mind drowning together with you in your sea of emotions…

And to find someone new…that’s probably another blog, another story, another time.

But in my case, well . . .

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Fate and Destiny. . .

Posted: April 19, 2008 in life
Tags: , , ,

Prices that we paid for living in this world and still paying right now, prices that we must pay since the first time the lights sting your sensitive infant eyes. We pay it regardless whether we wanted to or not. It was never a choice, never an option; twas’ shoved to us by the mystical entity or immaterial sense of understanding which we call life.

We could hope, wish, pray or even curse God or anyone and anything for this price that we must pay. And its make much difference if you are an Atheist, Christian, Muslim, Buddhist or with any other religion or beliefs. NO, it doesn’t.

Some people strongly believes that there are NO such things as Fate or even Destiny. I’m not one to lecture anyone on what to believe in this world. If you even feel just a hint/element(s) of sermons and/or preaching in this blog; Then you might think Xander have been a religiously-devout prick all this time. Well, thank you for being such an uptight, ignorant, bigot, fanatic, naïve, hypocritical, conservative and last but not least ; you’re probably a ****ing terrorist! Cause mostly terrorists believe that they can change fate and destiny or even misdirect people from the deeper understanding of Fate and Destiny.

One of the most often spoken statements from either non-believers or those that has lost their faith in a ‘higher power’ than him/herself would be, “I create my own fate and I mold my own destiny.” Now, I can’t really explain to YOU on what level of the believer/atheist axis I am on; simply because even I find it hard to determine MY own level of belief or disbelief. But what I can tell you is this, a friend actually said this statement to me. And I find it almost true, up to a logical or spiritual point of view.

Why do I say this? Well just read the statement again. Now if there are no such things as Fate or Destiny…why does he keep using these words in his statement? What? Was he trying to say that what he meant was fate and/or destiny that he can actually control?

Some people and even my own friend actually added more to this, “I don’t need God, no such thing as fate or destiny. I control my own life..”. Now what? This time what he meant in this statement is that the Fate and Destiny that he can’t control? Because adding the word ‘God’ in his statement changes the context of these words?

No need to argue with someone that cannot even see that he is making a statement that he himself is already proving right and true. The root of the sentence people, are the words fate and destiny. If you believe that they don’t exist, why would you even try to prove to other people that they simply don’t by using a sentence that actually proves that they DO exist?

This is what he should’ve said instead and what he should imprint in his brain: What you can create isn’t Fate, you create choices…it doesn’t matter what kinds you create but it is within your power to do so. Fate is more of what happens within the choices that we make. Along the way when choosing your path in this life there ARE somethings out of your control, natural disasters, political-tsunami, plane/car crash, an epidemic outbreak, etc.

Now, what you can mold isn’t Destiny, you mold the conclusion or result(s) of which are garnered from whether you made the right or wrong choices in life and still successfully overcome the trials and tribulations that you had to face within the path that you have already taken.

Destiny on the other hand from MY point of view is much longer to explain, I’ll try to use ‘small’ words for those who are in denial or simply too ignorant to opening up their minds. Destiny is; the end result of the consequences when you fail in overcoming the challenges that you’ve faced AND/OR you actually gained an unexpected outcome when you’ve arrived to where you are now. Yes , both sometimes can happen.

You did not create Fate, I would like to see you blow apart mountains , divide the ocean or turn water into wine. Actually I’d rather see you blow up the ocean, divide the mountain ranges for new mega-highways and piss wine. This also means that you didn’t mold destiny simply because your predicted results are achieved in the end. That’s why its called predictions.You didn’t mold unexpected outcomes in the end either. That’s why it is called unexpected. And simply telling yourself you got luckier than most people only proves to me you’re in refutation of the truth of your idiocy and/or lack of mental propensity..yes both sometimes co-exist.

There are too many examples in life where I can put my point across so it can be crystal-clear. As you’ve lived your life as long as I have, I’m sure you can relate to this and know there are so many things happening around us in this world so you’d actually understand what you’ve read so far.

Don’t bother yourself with dictionaries, go watch porn or beat your hamster senselessly to your heart’ desire instead. Don’t even ask me to apologise for anything you might find offensive or simply anything that is disturbing to your minute sense of understanding. I’m not a ‘fake-approval-seeking-wussy-man’, if I was; Would I be challenging your very Authoritarian-Ideals and Religious-Acceptance of how one should lead his or her life?

DON’T confuse yourself with the meanings of Fate or Destiny…I have told you to the best of my acrimonious consciousness from within my ‘shattered-yet-awakened’ mind; and have dug deep into the bottomless abyss of the chrysalis of my ‘fragile-yet-burning’ soul. . .

Just go and kiss your daughter good night, tell your lover you miss him/her, go make a sandwich, floss your teeth but most of all; try to believe in something. Have faith.

As I said before, I am NOT preaching so when I said ‘..have faith’, it means: Have Faith in Thyself. . .

A relationship is like..a flower, or a plant if you will. It needs nurturing and care just like people. And relationships involves people in general. There are other types of relationships besides those that involve humans. Like for example the love that you and your new i-Phone have, or the strong intimacy that you feel around your Canon 450D dSLR, or the relationship that i have [in my dreams]…okay, would have between me and my Audi R8 V12 TDI.

Just like any relationship, even the ‘seemingly-senile’ ones I mentioned; must never be neglected. Something like if you forgot you left your i-Phone in the living room only to go back to find it in pieces cause your baby-cousin thought it was a Nintendo DS. And babies don’t play NDS! But I’m here to talk about the relationships that you can’t buy with money, and more importantly can’t buy-back with money.

In our day to day life its’ easy to forget what is most important to us. What we hold dear and close to our hearts. In our pursuit of self-preservation, self-assurance and even greed, we tend to slowly ‘get lazy’ to remember every little details like dates of anniversaries or birthdays, his favorite food, what music she likes to listen to. We feel some how, can’t be bothered with it and slowly, little by little those relationships that we have planted so long ago starts to dwindle and deteriorate.

As slowly as it fades, as we go on with our life selfish as we are; sometimes the relationships’ would ‘give-out’ signals. To warn us that the relationship is in need of dire attention and something is ‘out of place’. To no avail I’m afraid, because I doubt we were listening or even paying any attention to any signals we might have encountered. We may give reasons or try to justify our actions or more appropriately, inaction. And no matter how logical you may think your excuses are, relationships tend to go forward through time. Not backwards and definitely it won’t stop and there is no pause,’Time and Tide waits for no Man’.

Funny thing about pausing ‘time’, we humans are very, very good ‘at it’. Allow me to enlighten you, ‘Pausing ‘a relationship is more than just giving stupid justifications, its’ more like procrastinating. An example would be like, “We could do the anniversary ‘next’ Friday honey, its’ also a public holiday right..?”. Ever heard ‘Live for the Moment’? Well, we do live for or in the moment, only some of us do it for the wrong reasons and it usually doesn’t involve anyone in our relationships’ that we cared so much for since 6 or 7 years ago. We are so good at this that we set it as a routine into our minds everytime we go through it in the future.

Another factor why we forget is, the inability to balance out our life between our work/entertainment or [whatever keeps you ‘alive’] and our relationships. At first you’d call your mother every day from England just to tell her you’re fine and all is good in your campus, while she cries and sobs in Kuala Lumpur nearly everytime you call. Gradually the calls would lessen up to once a week, then its’ your mother’s turn to call you because she hardly heard from you in nearly a month. And at that point you get too defensive whenever she asks about your new boyfriend or about your grades dropping.

And at one point in your life, which will come to you eventually; you ‘run out’ of excuses. You don’t even bother postponing or stalling all the important occasions that the people around you find very crucial for you to be a part of in their lives. Yes, struck a chord there myself. The relationships that we share , with other people? Yes, they are ‘people‘ too, and they have their own lives to live. Their own dreams and aspirations and their own wants and needs.

But they never begged you to stay home for the night when you said you had to meet up with some clients from overseas, even if that night was your wedding anniversary with her. She never forgot how much you loved to play with your plastic toy-soldiers, never complained endlessly about the 9 months of agony she went through only to deliver your sorry-useless ass into this world. She never gave you excuses when you wanted her to meet your family on holidays; unlike the ‘pitiful excuses’ that you gave her for not being able to visit her mother in the hospital after a near fatal accident; even when it was a holiday.

So how is it then, that they still remember your birthday, that they remember your favorite movies and music, and that they even remembered where you put that favorite teddy bear-the one you had since you were 5 years old? Ever thought of that? Have you even considered the fact that relationships are more than just a flower as the metaphor goes…its’ more like a garden of flowers. These people surely didn’t forget anything, at least not like you

When you use terms like obligation instead of love and care. Or even terms like business deal of the century instead of wedding anniversary. These people in our relationships never had trouble on how to balance out whats more consequential in their lives because they never ever confused the terms simply because, they never even considered putting a label to it.

So why did we, why must we…how could we…They did everything for us, yet we did nothing…they deserved better than all the bullshit we put them through, they deserved better than all the headaches and heartaches, the tears and sorrow, all the emptiness and misery that we created. I hope you’d know where I’m getting at here and what you should do.

Because honestly…If you are the ones’ that didn’t even care in the first place, I’m very sure you don’t even deserve them in the first place

I would know, trust me . . .

Sumi-masen . . .Hanaii.