Posts Tagged ‘people’

Cobwebs…thats what I see in my blog..:)..its been ten days since the last post..way longer than ‘normal’ for even me. Not blogging from home either right now…even in my room there has cobwebs everywhere…so to make sure I don’t blog about Spiders just like the title I am bloggin’ this from my friends’ place. She is nice enough to let me use her PC..among… other…’stuff’..koff koff.

“So whatcha’ been up to?”..or “WTF have you been?”…or more of a ‘normality’ in my everyday life now…”You’re doing ‘what’ now?!”…so like yeah…what am I up to?..hmm..there are always two or three sides of a story…so I’ll tell ya ‘my’ side of the story which is more important..plus..its not like this blog revolves around someones’ life or even someones’ life revolves around this blog..hmm..’kinda’ makes some sense there..not sure.

Been to new places and been seeing new places…damn I love KORN!!…sorry…I’m listening to em’ while typing this. So like..hmm..let me see…yeah, new places. And new faces. But more importantly, why I haven’t been posting up anything is due to the fact that I have lit up my pain with fire, and danced over the ashes. Feels sooo damn gooood.

You get my meaning. Among other things also..I am tired…simply sick and tired…actually sickand tired OF being sick and tired. Day by day I am feeling ‘colder’ inside but it feels so damn good. Yeah, sounds weird and not really a positive kinda feeling there either. But I don’t give a ShiT cause I feel free. No, No. Not in denial here. No, no…not in ignorance either…quite the contrary actually; I take everything in. Weighed them down. And know full well that I don’t need much of the BS I’m used to.

We don’t ‘grow-up’ just to give-up now do we? An evolution if you will. Maybe, when my friend wakes up, I could go and get something to eat cause with her cause she can’t cook for shit(not that I eat shit, mind you) but I’m just feeling hungry. Maybe grab a Nasi-Lemak(Awesomely delicious breakfast for Malaysians) later I don’t know. Its almost breakfast time anyway(around 6 a.m. now). Hmm…a closure for this blog will be up-and-running hopefully by Wednesday next week if I have time.

So why am I sick and tired of being sick and tired? Why is it that everyday I feel darker inside but I feel much better each day? Maybe I had an epiphany?…Hmm…I guess…all I can leave you with right now is…a glimpse…of a place full of wonder and excitement…of a place deep in heart(or close to it, my geography sucks!) of Borneo…on the foothills of a mountain (NO, you’re NOT getting a picture of MY Friend’s-‘Heavenly-Valleys’, so scram!)..tee hee hee.


Stay tuned…more to come of this…closure to an Acrimonious Journey. . .

Is crying..an escape to another place. To somewhere, where you can be anyone you wished you couldn’t in front of so many that you know..or don’t know? When one sheds’ his or her tears…will it really make things better. When one cries unexpectedly when receiving such good news of a newborn child; knowing that you are a mother/father now and life will be more beautiful. When it all happens so fast…if you feel your cheeks wet with tears running down from those eyes of yours…’where’ are you? Whats’ happening?

A joyous occasion or a painful tragedy. Whatever the case, tears flow easily from our eyes when situations like these arise. But what happens when…at a certain point…where you just can’t cry anymore. No matter how ‘strong’ the emotions running through you at that moment. Even as you lay your head on your pillow to sleep; the pain is so strong within and it somehow actually feels ‘physically’ agonizing. No matter how hard you try, not a single drop of tear fall from your eyes. Then what?

Does it mean you’re heartless? Without emotions. Without conscience and free of guilt? Or does it simply mean..you’re ‘growing up’…you’ve matured..and you’ve become ‘stronger’ now more than ever?…They say ‘don’t hold it in…let it out..yell or cry..’…what happens then when you can’t even yell or shout it out? You’re completely dumb-founded. You’re wondering to yourself..’Whats happening to me?’. And is it a good thing that you’re not crying? Not yelling it out?

Amongst the festivities and celebrations. Awesome events of joy and happiness..you’re at the corner of a large stage…thinking,..feeling…but not knowing why you just can’t let it out. When all these powerful emotions running through your mind..heart and soul. You just simply can’t understand the logic. What if you’re stuck in this limbo of enigma that is threatening your very being? Will you be stuck forever? Will you stop ‘feeling’ anything anymore?

What if by the end of the day…you are completely ‘stagnant’ deep inside..neither feeling happiness or sadness anymore? Will it lead to this? Nothing is black or white to you anymore…everything is completely ‘gray’. Will it drive you to madness and insecurity? Will it lead you to your doom and inevitable confusion for the rest of your life? You’re neither stuck on the past anymore..but you don’t feel like moving forward sometimes either…this situation completely baffles me.

Will I be saved in the future…more importantly do I want to be saved even? Have I ‘tailored’ myself so I won’t ‘feel anything’ anymore? Is that even possible…even this would lead to more questions. Unanswered as they are already. Are humans capable of this? Is there a scientific or psychiatric term for this condition? Everything’s bottled up inside and nowhere to go…do I need to break the bottle now? To say that I don’t care or don’t mind…I would be lying to myself…would be lying to yourself if you’re in my predicament too.

Only thing ‘running’ right now is my nose and this stupid flu. Maybe I got them from the ‘Hornbills’ but then again I didn’t get to see any this past weekend; I did get to see gorgeous women from our neighbours and exceptional performances; awesome as it were. Crazy…thats’ all I can say…and…blissful…amongst the joyous and memorable celebration of culture, colors and multiracial society; one sits in the corner feeling…or more appropriate unfeeling …anything.

A safety mechanism kicking in?…A powerful ’emotional and mental’ barrier subconsciously switched on after so long being dormant and unused maybe? …maybe…then again…maybe traveling to new places and seeing so many new faces…was the trigger that I needed…And maybe, I’m comfortable with it? Hmm…

I don’t fly around your ‘Fire’ anymore, burned inside and out so many times before … – Audioslave

Letting Go. . .

Posted: May 23, 2008 in life
Tags: , , , ,

Sometimes its hard. Sometimes its easy. It all depends on what or who you have to let go. Whether you must or you simply should, it doesn’t matter. Sometimes letting go is a release of some sort. Its an escape. Its a start of a new beginning for you. But before you can begin life anew, you must let go.

Forgetting the past and let everything else flow through. Life can’t go on if you’re still hung up on something that could ruin your days ahead. Why is it so hard letting go a precious jewel, a priceless moment in your life but knowing full well that you should? You seek answers to millions of questions that pop into your head.

You make a list of pros and cons if you do let go of something that you probably think might not get a chance to experience again in the future. Sometimes that list doesn’t even make any sense. Just like holding onto the past; most of the time it just doesn’t make any logical sense at all. Funny thing is, sometimes in life you are the one being let go

Sometimes you become the burden in someone else’s life. Or you became their predicament. Or at least having you in their lives would deter them from growing and maturing; living life as they should. Yeah,.a burden. As much as other people or moments that pulls you down and roots you firmly, stagnant and unmoving.

Which is easier you think? Being let go…or letting go..of something…of someone. Or is it both quite a predicament in itself? A moment in life, a dark chapter in your history…maybe it is a blessing if you are able to. Or maybe its a curse waiting to jump out and scare the living hell out of you…

A blessing and a curse then…sometimes the weights on our shoulders are too hard for us alone to carry. And to move on and take a further step in life we must somehow get rid of it. Even we ourselves unaware as we mostly are, could also be burdens to other people in our lives. We just don’t know it…and others’ that are our burdens also don’t know it too. Or all of us are simply being ignorant of what we actually know. Take your pick.

So maybe in doing so, both could benefit from letting go and/or being let go. Somehow it becomes a cycle in life. All in all its beneficial and compulsory to let go…and as you go through with your life, you are the one being let go. But when that happens there’s no need to frown. Its a cycle, vicious as it is; its’ life.

Just rejoice in the fact that either letting go or otherwise; there’s always a lesson to be learned. Always a reason for it to happen too. So chill,…its’ awesome indeed to go through this life without having to ponder too much about such trivial matters. Yes,..its trivial. Cause’ its in the past. Trying to label it as other than that would only drive one crazy; which is okay if you like spending the rest of you life in a mental institute..;]

“There’s nothing wrong to wonder about the past or future once awhile; but not at the expense of the present.”- [K]

[Then why am I…so.. FuckeD-Up ‘inside’?…]