Posts Tagged ‘psychology’

Complacency. Stagnant. Uninspired. Procrastination. Not much else comes to mind. But I do know these ‘attributes’ leads to other ‘down-falls’ to the human society. I need not list those out. Its’ not like you’re NOT from planet earth if you’re reading this. Then again who knows, maybe I’m just getting the X-Files ‘vibes’ due to the fact that its next movie is coming out.

A lot of people I know are in this state. Shit, I know I’m one of them but thank God I hit my head on the pavement of a sidewalk one night last December; which included the hard excruciatingly painful sound of a ‘thump’ deep in my soul. And with it, a multitude of ego that was weighing me down and have been rooting me to the ground for so long has suddenly . . .mysteriously. . . disappeared.

It does ‘creep’ its ugly head at me sometimes, but then again I remembered the fucking agonizing ‘thump’ that I received and I beat the fucking hell out of that ‘head’ till it’s gone and crying back home to mama. Because I know if that ‘head’ crept up and stayed around too long, I might get ‘reacquainted’ with it and the whole bullshit ‘routine’ would sink into me again. Which was obviously un-fucking-‘ceptable!!

The ‘routine’ was shattered and all that is left was an empty husk of a creature among the billions in this world. Just another speck of life, yes; there is still life ‘beating’ inside that empty husk. That beaten and trodden-down shell of a man. And it walks and breathes like he never did. EVER!

It’s funny how sometimes humans need a little ‘push’ to drive them forward. Sometimes it takes a new love, a new friend or even a soul mate. Sometimes it takes a new Audi A4 to literally move you forward!(you know who you are you lucky bastard!) and then some just needs a little ‘guidance’. Though that guidance could be misinterpreted as a sign of ‘judgment’. In other words, one might feel ‘judged’ as being weak because someone or something is helping them to move forward in life. Well don’t!

Everyone is weak one way or another. I learned that you ‘need’ to show your weakness once in a blue moon just to let those very close to you know, that you are only…human. We all are. And in seeing that, they too might learn to be human themselves. Some people thinks that they are above the law, some thinks that fucking up a foreign country is for the betterment of their future and some would even go as far as ‘thinking’ that they don’t need to feel anything in this world in order to be human.

I learned it the hard way, painful way, the best way. The best lessons in life are the ones where you have your ego, self-centeredness and ignorant attitude towards life/people; crushed within minutes and seconds. And at that point you wonder to yourself, ‘Where or what the fuck was I doing all those years?’. Maybe not exactly those words but somewhat close to that.

I’m not telling you to get a life. I am asking though, are you that so much happy in your current state that you do not pursue your dreams or do not wish to alter your routines in life simply because you’re afraid that the very skies will start crumbling down upon you? Would you not see it through this life with a brand new cycle, not like the same 24/7 bullshit you have to put up with right now?

Get inspired! Seize the moment! Go commando if thats’ your thing! Unless you have the blood of an Immortal running through your veins, you know you only have one shot at life. Never stop moving and never tire to improve your standards, set the bars higher than before. Fuck the normal standards that people simply put up with just because they were ‘programmed’ to accept it since the day they were born. Fuck it!!

So whatever your cup of tea is, splash something else other than lemon.(I hear honey is good.) May it be that 4000 dollar DSLR, that MacBook Pro you’ve been wet-dreaming since it was first announced or that new condo/house which you and ONLY you own and live in which you could turn into a cluster-fuck party of chicks walking in and out of your bed(or bathroom, garage, kitchen table, etc) without a care in the world. Tired and hungry from all the extra curricular activities involved of course.

So whatever or however you do it, make sure you look up the words up at the first paragraph in the dictionary. And ‘reprogram’ yourself day in and day out to do the OPPOSITE! Nothing is constant in life except Time…and Death. Unless you are ‘related’ to Grim Reaper himself then you might have no worries at all.

I’m not saying my life is perfect. Shit! Far from it, but even farther than being rooted to the fucking ground and not doing anything about it! It’s a journey. And as all journeys it will take more than just time, It will take perseverance, persistence, enthusiasm and patience.

And if possible don’t do it alone. I’m not asking you to get married or confess your love to the ‘next-best-thing/table-scraps’ or anything like that. Family and friends does come to mind, why don’t start from there eh?

1. to inspire or possess with a foolish or unreasoning passion, as of love.

2. to affect with folly; make foolish or fatuous.

Infatuation. believe it or not I even went through the trouble of looking it up the dictionary. It has so many other synonyms to it too such as attachment, craze, crush, fascination, folly, madness, love, obsession or passion, etc…

You know what I’m talking about. The way s/he plays with her hair, the way s/he laughs, how s/he leaves your vicinity and you can’t help but feel…well…’off’ …off to another place where you wish you could follow her to where ever she goes.

I’m not about to talk about something I already blogged about(Shit, how many ’round-a-bouts’ did I do?). Yes, there are similarities but….well..this is kinda’ ‘new’. Weird thing is….its so…well….Fuckin’ weird’ to me. Yes, its happening..again.., but this time..its…different?..maybe. It’s not fuckin’ weird in a Bad way,..actually its fuckin’ weird in a Good kinda way…Nice actually…the kinda’ nice that puts a ‘smile’ deep down inside….another weird thing is…I can’t even say that it’s the kinda ‘thing’ that drives you mad or obsessive. Not the kinda’ smile the Joker would put though…that’s like psychotic kinda ‘weird’ isn’t it?

Don’t get me wrong…I’ve had my share of women lately,..recently even, nothing ‘weird’ about them, just..niiiiiceeee, …but ‘this’ one doesn’t feel like a fling, doesn’t feel like a ‘deep-emo-love-crap’ either…something in-between then?..maybe. Hmmm..so why does THIS one feels…hmm…’weird’? Yeah, a cycle of words here. Okay,…more like it feels ‘different’ or ‘bizarre’…God sake’s no, its’ NOT love. NOT. All in caps. Read it again. NOT LOVE.

Love, pfft. All too familiar with it actually. Felt it one too many times and can’t be bothered with it any more. Its possibly because I gave the key to my heart and soul to Lucifer and let em’ have it; not gonna fucking need it till maybe…Oh I don’t know, December next year if I get to see next year.

Let me see, why do I call it ‘weird’/’different’…hmm…how bout’ : cause simply don’t even KNOW this person. Yeah, I mean the least that one should do is at least know a person to even have anything as close to an infatuation isn’t it? Actually I don’t even know whether ‘infatuation’ is even the proper word to describe this ‘phenomenon’.

Usual questions that you’d get from your friends would be like, ‘What do you like about him/her?’- Don’t know.., or ‘What does she do?’-also, Don’t know, or ‘Did you ‘tap’ that?’-WTF?!…ok, ‘screw’ the last question; some friends can be real assholes, haha!! See, the thing is, don’t really ‘feel’ it deep down the ‘groin’ kinda feeling . So, why does THIS one…hmm…*thinking.. and yes you get questions like, ‘Who is she?’- naaah, you’d like to know don’t ‘you’.. 😛

This sounds more like a ‘personal’ journal rather than a blog and should be kept under ‘private-post’ doesn’t it? But where’s the FUN in that?!. And yes please do come in and ‘bash’ me if you’d like to, I haven’t blogged or read any comments for a long..long…loooooooong time..so yes come in and ‘enjoy’ my little acrimonious mind if you wish. Screw it, its not like I’m famous or anything so whoever is reading this would go,”Crap! Shoulda’ wasted my time on Digg or cracked.com; this is BS!!’.

Simply trying to understand it, heck, more like doing a ‘friend’ a favor and doing the ‘ask-the-public-for-input’ kinda thing here too. Don’t know her quirks or perks or attitude. It doesn’t feel lovey-dovey-dreamy-like when talking to her. Can’t say dreaming about her day or night either. Don’t feel like pulling the chair for her when she sits down or open the door for her. Won’t jump down the Niagra falls for her…. Shite, should I even click ‘Publish’…

Anyhoo, yes; everyone in the ‘circle’ would be blogging about The Dark Knight, and here I am bloggin’ about THIS…Yes, yes, The Joker was awesome, and yes, yes I do sound like a ‘school-boy’. Blah,blah this and blah,blah that. If you wanted literature then you’re on the wrong site/blog dude…maybe I just wanted some ‘hits’ on the blog,..poor me, boo hoo hoo. LOL!

Why so serious? I’m not…just ‘feeling’ very, very….off at the moment. Maybe it’s The Game trying to test-out ‘new’ kinda ‘flavors‘ out there?- Don’t know either…so..till I find the answer(s)… Peace out!

P.S: If somehow halfway (or 1st paragraph) reading this you still have NO IDEA whatsoever what this blog is about, guess what : I haven’t the slightest clue of what crap I blogged about either. I know this isn’t going to comfort you, but I didn’t say I’m gonna ‘clarify’ it for you either. 🙂

Is crying..an escape to another place. To somewhere, where you can be anyone you wished you couldn’t in front of so many that you know..or don’t know? When one sheds’ his or her tears…will it really make things better. When one cries unexpectedly when receiving such good news of a newborn child; knowing that you are a mother/father now and life will be more beautiful. When it all happens so fast…if you feel your cheeks wet with tears running down from those eyes of yours…’where’ are you? Whats’ happening?

A joyous occasion or a painful tragedy. Whatever the case, tears flow easily from our eyes when situations like these arise. But what happens when…at a certain point…where you just can’t cry anymore. No matter how ‘strong’ the emotions running through you at that moment. Even as you lay your head on your pillow to sleep; the pain is so strong within and it somehow actually feels ‘physically’ agonizing. No matter how hard you try, not a single drop of tear fall from your eyes. Then what?

Does it mean you’re heartless? Without emotions. Without conscience and free of guilt? Or does it simply mean..you’re ‘growing up’…you’ve matured..and you’ve become ‘stronger’ now more than ever?…They say ‘don’t hold it in…let it out..yell or cry..’…what happens then when you can’t even yell or shout it out? You’re completely dumb-founded. You’re wondering to yourself..’Whats happening to me?’. And is it a good thing that you’re not crying? Not yelling it out?

Amongst the festivities and celebrations. Awesome events of joy and happiness..you’re at the corner of a large stage…thinking,..feeling…but not knowing why you just can’t let it out. When all these powerful emotions running through your mind..heart and soul. You just simply can’t understand the logic. What if you’re stuck in this limbo of enigma that is threatening your very being? Will you be stuck forever? Will you stop ‘feeling’ anything anymore?

What if by the end of the day…you are completely ‘stagnant’ deep inside..neither feeling happiness or sadness anymore? Will it lead to this? Nothing is black or white to you anymore…everything is completely ‘gray’. Will it drive you to madness and insecurity? Will it lead you to your doom and inevitable confusion for the rest of your life? You’re neither stuck on the past anymore..but you don’t feel like moving forward sometimes either…this situation completely baffles me.

Will I be saved in the future…more importantly do I want to be saved even? Have I ‘tailored’ myself so I won’t ‘feel anything’ anymore? Is that even possible…even this would lead to more questions. Unanswered as they are already. Are humans capable of this? Is there a scientific or psychiatric term for this condition? Everything’s bottled up inside and nowhere to go…do I need to break the bottle now? To say that I don’t care or don’t mind…I would be lying to myself…would be lying to yourself if you’re in my predicament too.

Only thing ‘running’ right now is my nose and this stupid flu. Maybe I got them from the ‘Hornbills’ but then again I didn’t get to see any this past weekend; I did get to see gorgeous women from our neighbours and exceptional performances; awesome as it were. Crazy…thats’ all I can say…and…blissful…amongst the joyous and memorable celebration of culture, colors and multiracial society; one sits in the corner feeling…or more appropriate unfeeling …anything.

A safety mechanism kicking in?…A powerful ’emotional and mental’ barrier subconsciously switched on after so long being dormant and unused maybe? …maybe…then again…maybe traveling to new places and seeing so many new faces…was the trigger that I needed…And maybe, I’m comfortable with it? Hmm…

I don’t fly around your ‘Fire’ anymore, burned inside and out so many times before … – Audioslave