Ever heard someone telling you that you’re too hung-up on someone/something or telling you that what has happened wasn’t in your power to prevent it from happening? Like telling you that he/she doesn’t even consider you as part of their lives anymore? Or a demise of someone very dear and close to you? And no matter how many times you hear people tell you to chill out and go on with your life, somehow..sometimes you have a ‘pause’ at one point in your life and you just can’t go on?
The feeling of wanting to reach for someone or anyone when you’re falling deep into the bottomless pit of despair which you call your heart. Your soul. Like drowning in a sea of emotions filled with a multitude of words you don’t want to use anymore in your life. Words that you’ve already locked out of your everyday life since the day you’ve lost that someone or something special.
It’s a pause that happens to ALL of us. And each and every one of us have different kinds of ‘ocean’ that we’re drowning in or even struggling to swim in. And why do I say that this is a ‘pause’? Because it simply IS. If you do not take it as it is, which is a pause; then I’m sure you need a reality check and know that there are people around you that might depend on you to lead them, to care for them and most of all they need you in their lives.
And I doubt those people would want a sad sap of a broken shell leading them or guiding them in their lives. Being lost in the past, in the sea of feelings that we dread most; is somewhat needed from time to time I think. I mean why do we even keep them with us? So that in the future we won’t be ‘drowning’ anymore. Instead in the future, we are simply swimming in them reluctantly as we are. Because no matter who you are or what you do, you WILL be swimming or drowning in them…from time to time. And hopefully not most of the time…
I’m not telling you to ‘rejoice’ the painful memories that you’ve went through. I’m just saying that this pause happens in our lives and its just a normality of living. Just as normal as you have hiccups once and awhile, or choking on your Big Mac, or having your internet connection slow down because your ISP is ‘upgrading’. And the pause just simply…kicks-in.
And when it begins, when we are drowning or swimming; deep inside our hearts and minds, within this ‘ocean’ of pain, suffering, affliction, agony, anguish, torment, misery, depression, gloom, despair, torture, grief, sorrow, regret, distress and lament; remember ‘where’ they are. And all of this are only happening within us. Deep inside of us. So let it be where it is. Within ourselves. Not ‘outside’.
What happens ‘outside’ of us must be and should be completely the exact opposite and try to find someone or something that does NOT make you feel more like a ‘chemical waste’. Either you go and watch that movie you’ve always wanted to watch, buy that Prada you’ve always wanted, or get that limited edition wallet that costs MYR400 bucks because you CAN. And you SHOULD.
Since that you’re flooded with emotions that hurts you deep inside when this ‘pause’ is occurring in your life. Please, surround yourselves with feelings of happiness, delight, bliss, contentment, hilarity, amusement,excitement, laughter, merriment, harmony, gratification, fulfillment, indulgence, pleasure, exhilaration, thrill and enthusiasm that life CAN be wonderful even if your mind, heart and soul are contrary to what you are experiencing within. And let all those emotions revolve around you and this is what you should rejoice in. Be in the moment and feel the enchantment of life unlike what you are feeling inside.
But don’t try to take the positive emotions surrounding you deep into your fragile psyche. Or even think you might be able to completely ‘cleanse’ you of all your inner demons, your deepest of sins, your worst of nightmares from your past away simply with positive feelings or thoughts. You can’t wash them clean from the sea of emotions that you have. That’s why I said, remember where they are. And let it be where it is. It may seem a contradictory statement, but look at it this way.
When you feel joy and happiness surrounding you, at least the pain inside won’t be as bad. And when you feel the ‘walls are closing in’, at least you’ll be laughing about it while your friend pours your mug with lager or clicking that ‘Send’ button on your Facebook apps’ knowing that you’ll make a few ladies smile [or agitated, I don’t know..] later when they check their ‘Mini-Feed’ section in the morning. Isn’t that better than picking up a razor and and try slicing your wrist? Wouldn’t that be much better than lying down on an ‘unlit’ highway at 2 a.m in the morning with hopes becoming another statistic for the local Road and Transportation department?
I’ll say this one last time for the uninitiated or which got ‘lost’ on the second paragraph; what’s going on around you; bask in the Ambiance. What’s happening inside of you, let it stay there. Don’t think of the said ‘ambience’ as a detergent or bleach that can wash it all away…cause it won’t.
Whats’ happening around you cannot and should not be the same as whats happening inside of you. No matter how many times you make yourself feel joy and happiness, do you even think, all that positive emotions you’ve just went through a few minutes ago could wash away ALL that bullshit you’ve been through all your life? So what makes you think it can purify the ‘chaos’ you’re going through inside? Especially if you’re all alone inside?
To ‘bring’ something as good as positive emotions ‘inside’, I honestly believe; you need someone new in your life, the kind of person you can share your most intimate of secrets and someone who wouldn’t mind drowning together with you in your sea of emotions…
And to find someone new…that’s probably another blog, another story, another time.
But in my case, well . . .
Xander'z 