Spiders…and more spiders…

Cobwebs…thats what I see in my blog..:)..its been ten days since the last post..way longer than ‘normal’ for even me. Not blogging from home either right now…even in my room there has cobwebs everywhere…so to make sure I don’t blog about Spiders just like the title I am bloggin’ this from my friends’ place. She is nice enough to let me use her PC..among… other…’stuff’..koff koff.

“So whatcha’ been up to?”..or “WTF have you been?”…or more of a ‘normality’ in my everyday life now…”You’re doing ‘what’ now?!”…so like yeah…what am I up to?..hmm..there are always two or three sides of a story…so I’ll tell ya ‘my’ side of the story which is more important..plus..its not like this blog revolves around someones’ life or even someones’ life revolves around this blog..hmm..’kinda’ makes some sense there..not sure.

Been to new places and been seeing new places…damn I love KORN!!…sorry…I’m listening to em’ while typing this. So like..hmm..let me see…yeah, new places. And new faces. But more importantly, why I haven’t been posting up anything is due to the fact that I have lit up my pain with fire, and danced over the ashes. Feels sooo damn gooood.

You get my meaning. Among other things also..I am tired…simply sick and tired…actually sickand tired OF being sick and tired. Day by day I am feeling ‘colder’ inside but it feels so damn good. Yeah, sounds weird and not really a positive kinda feeling there either. But I don’t give a ShiT cause I feel free. No, No. Not in denial here. No, no…not in ignorance either…quite the contrary actually; I take everything in. Weighed them down. And know full well that I don’t need much of the BS I’m used to.

We don’t ‘grow-up’ just to give-up now do we? An evolution if you will. Maybe, when my friend wakes up, I could go and get something to eat cause with her cause she can’t cook for shit(not that I eat shit, mind you) but I’m just feeling hungry. Maybe grab a Nasi-Lemak(Awesomely delicious breakfast for Malaysians) later I don’t know. Its almost breakfast time anyway(around 6 a.m. now). Hmm…a closure for this blog will be up-and-running hopefully by Wednesday next week if I have time.

So why am I sick and tired of being sick and tired? Why is it that everyday I feel darker inside but I feel much better each day? Maybe I had an epiphany?…Hmm…I guess…all I can leave you with right now is…a glimpse…of a place full of wonder and excitement…of a place deep in heart(or close to it, my geography sucks!) of Borneo…on the foothills of a mountain (NO, you’re NOT getting a picture of MY Friend’s-‘Heavenly-Valleys’, so scram!)..tee hee hee.

Stay tuned…more to come of this…closure to an Acrimonious Journey. . .

Letting Go. . .

Sometimes its hard. Sometimes its easy. It all depends on what or who you have to let go. Whether you must or you simply should, it doesn’t matter. Sometimes letting go is a release of some sort. Its an escape. Its a start of a new beginning for you. But before you can begin life anew, you must let go.

Forgetting the past and let everything else flow through. Life can’t go on if you’re still hung up on something that could ruin your days ahead. Why is it so hard letting go a precious jewel, a priceless moment in your life but knowing full well that you should? You seek answers to millions of questions that pop into your head.

You make a list of pros and cons if you do let go of something that you probably think might not get a chance to experience again in the future. Sometimes that list doesn’t even make any sense. Just like holding onto the past; most of the time it just doesn’t make any logical sense at all. Funny thing is, sometimes in life you are the one being let go…

Sometimes you become the burden in someone else’s life. Or you became their predicament. Or at least having you in their lives would deter them from growing and maturing; living life as they should. Yeah,.a burden. As much as other people or moments that pulls you down and roots you firmly, stagnant and unmoving.

Which is easier you think? Being let go…or letting go..of something…of someone. Or is it both quite a predicament in itself? A moment in life, a dark chapter in your history…maybe it is a blessing if you are able to. Or maybe its a curse waiting to jump out and scare the living hell out of you…

A blessing and a curse then…sometimes the weights on our shoulders are too hard for us alone to carry. And to move on and take a further step in life we must somehow get rid of it. Even we ourselves unaware as we mostly are, could also be burdens to other people in our lives. We just don’t know it…and others’ that are our burdens also don’t know it too. Or all of us are simply being ignorant of what we actually know. Take your pick.

So maybe in doing so, both could benefit from letting go and/or being let go. Somehow it becomes a cycle in life. All in all its beneficial and compulsory to let go…and as you go through with your life, you are the one being let go. But when that happens there’s no need to frown. Its a cycle, vicious as it is; its’ life.

Just rejoice in the fact that either letting go or otherwise; there’s always a lesson to be learned. Always a reason for it to happen too. So chill,…its’ awesome indeed to go through this life without having to ponder too much about such trivial matters. Yes,..its trivial. Cause’ its in the past. Trying to label it as other than that would only drive one crazy; which is okay if you like spending the rest of you life in a mental institute..;]

“There’s nothing wrong to wonder about the past or future once awhile; but not at the expense of the present.”- [K]

[Then why am I…so.. FuckeD-Up ‘inside’?…]

For those that . . .went ‘too-deep’.

I’ve received mails, both love and hate, from people I don’t know concerning this blog. No need to name names, cause its a waste of time. But I can tell ‘them’ this, and you KNOW who you ARE :

Noticed why I haven’t written something for some time now? Noticed that I haven’t posted anything for awhile? And did you notice that your FRIENDS and FAMILY and your LOVED ONES are ‘passing-you-by’? If you didn’t, then let me make this clear. LIVE YOUR LIFE!!

There is no reason, NONE at all for you to; BE me. There is no reason to ‘feel’ exactly like me, to be ‘bitter‘ exactly like me. Or even to be someone that is totally NOT you. I feel alive when I post my thoughts and feelings on this blog, NOT DEAD. Whatever feelings and thoughts go through my entire being while I write? That is another story. And even ‘that’ you should not wonder too much about. Someone asked me: how did I get my inspirations…well..if you could call them ‘inspirations’. I’d probably be bleeding my slit-wrists by now but I’M NOT. Its’ more of ‘something else’.

My life, my joy, my pain, my memories are all…‘obscured’ to even me. And whatever any of you have been through in life, you can sometimes relate to what I wrote. So…’relate’ to them. TWO THINGS that I really, really believe makes this world spin: Money..and Women. Call me a chauvinistic prick. Really, go ahead. I’ve been called worst even while I’m having a coffee alone quietly in a cafe’ on Sunday morning. And what makes more nonsense to me, the same person called me for a coffee two days later. Say WTF?!

So I’ve been busy…mostly on the ‘money’ part. Not the women part. At least, for now. . .

The intention of this ‘multi-mail-reply’ blog is this: Just chill, cause thats all we as humans can do isn’t it? I’m sure I can’t bring your girl back for you. I’m positive I cannot make him regret ever leaving you. And for damn sure I CANNOT make all your ‘memories’ go away either… But I CAN make you take that trip down ‘memory lane’. And almost all that I have posted ARE about taking that trip no matter how dreadful it may be for you. BUT..memories are not ALL that bad now, ARE THEY?

How about the time your mother carried you in her arms when she took you to the hospital cause you just ‘ripped’ your eye open after an ‘accident’ with a large porcelain in the living room…yeah being 7 years old was fun for me. The pain was my eye, the joy was being in my mothers’ arms. How about the time you lost your virginity? Oooh I would go into the details…but I can’t really..;]…sooo..you just ‘relate’ to your OWN memories for now.

How about the time you got a bouquet of roses for the first time in your life from a ‘secret admirer’, only to find out sometime later the person happens to be your dream girl? or man? Your first kiss? Everyone could remember that. The warmth of it. The wetness. And for the ‘popping’ feet for the ladies ;].

I write what goes ‘through’ my head and my heart and my fucked up soul. Why is it fucked up? If you’ve been following my blog from the beginning you’d probably get some hints of why. And for those who have been following and/or reading from the first post: Why is this guy not DEAD yet? Cause its not time for me to go. I LOVE my family too much to simply ‘leave’ them. And I want to and I MUST GO ON simply because I can’t GO BACK.

So DON’T go back. So DON’T feel like shit all the time. And please don’t mope around feeling helpless, useless and so full of remorse all day. You FIGHT the urge to ‘feel’ them for long periods of time. And if you have NOT noticed at every post I’ve written, I ‘encourage’ you to THINK HARD about what you’ve read and do the OPPOSITE of what you would ‘feel’ after reading them. There is ALWAYS, always something and/or someone that keeps us alive in this world. Keep em’ around till the day you die.

Relate to what I’ve written my friends, the blogs, compare your minds to what you’ve read. DO NOT ‘relate’ …to my ‘soul’. Trust me, you don’t want to go there. I’m not saying you shouldn’t, I’m just saying that it is ‘not pretty‘…but it could also be ‘quite enlightening‘ to be there. And I respect you if you would dare to venture in. No matter how ‘deep’ you think my writing was.

We could be a friends and try to understand me. And you’ll find that I’m not the type of person who would put a bullet in his skull just because he’s fucked-up… somewhere inside. Why is this important to say? Simply because people shouldn’t judge a person just by reading about what he/she have written.

Stephen King and Clive Barker would be very, very lonely individuals if you judge them simply by their novels wouldn’t it? Makes sense now yes? So, please pay attention when you read my stuff. And know …for a fact, I ‘open-minds’ and yes…I do open up ‘old wounds’. But I also ask you, nay…beg you…to UNDERSTAND more of what you’ve been through in life; DON’T simply ‘re-live’ your past and staying in the past. Please Understand what you went through, and seek wisdom in what you’ve been through. Simply ‘rewind, stop, play; rinse and repeat’ won’t fucking help. Trust me. IT BLOODY WON’T.

And to better understand your lives as a whole, past ,present or future; you must ‘seek yourself’ within. Find the answers. And I know you will. But to understand ones’ self, one must also raise important questions to better find what answers fits which questions that are being raised in the first place. I have been raising more questions by the day to myself. And you’ve also noted [I hope], that I raise more questions of who or what we are, how and why we are the way we are. The answers to the many questions that we ask ourselves has always been ‘with us’ all along. Since when?….from the womb. So find them.

Don’t simply think that moping, crying and feeling crappy all day would help you. I know, I’m like that too once; but not too often now. You’d be stuck in a ‘senseless cycle of mind-deprivation’. And you’d go mad eventually. I almost did, but the method of how I keep my sanity in check is a bit unorthodox..;]. ‘Pauses’: as my last post stated it. That is what it is. I DID NOT tell you to pause indefinitely my friends. So why did you? Why should you? Why must you do so?

There are no reasons we shouldn’t continue living our lives. And if you think I’m going to start a ‘self-help’ blog from now on…dunk your heads in the toilet bowl right now please cause nothing less would make me any happier ;]. Why should any of you want to ‘be in my shoes’. It ain’t shoes, more like red hot metal of iron-clad boots. With sharp objects put in it. By an old hag that is covered in puss and worms for hair.

Understand what has happened….raise the questions…and find the answers within yourself. This is a VITAL process that MUST NOT be put in any other way. Don’t simply find answers to something you don’t even understand and raising questions you don’t even know what answers to find because you never understood it in the first place. Understand, ask yourself….and you WILL find the answer eventually. Not the other way around or starting from the middle.

And why I said don’t BE me. Not in my head….not in my heart….and definitely NOT my soul. I’m NOT saying I’m the best out there writing about this shit, what I’m saying is…I’ve done it FOR YOU. The ‘rewinds’ the ‘pauses’ and the ‘stops’ in our lives. And its not even ALL of our lives. I cannot tell you of the pain a mother goes through while cradling her dead son in her arms somewhere in the middle East; I can’t tell you how a son feels knowing he must continue her mothers’ legacy after she was assassinated while meeting people in a public rally. Lots more I can’t even begin to understand.

There is only one BOB MARLEY, only one MOTHER TERESA and only one P. RAMLEE. You get my point. Just like there is only one JOSEPH STALIN or one ADOLPH HITLER. We don’t need anymore people like ANY of the above, that would make them pretty ‘common’ won’t it? Nothing would make them special, either in a bad way or a good way.

And to end this ‘multi-mail-reply’…I would like to tell the one person I KNOW I have ‘struck a chord’ in her ‘distraught-consciousness’ which is quite recently. My lady, If life was all that bad ; If life was completely exactly what has been read through in this blog…and you probably have yet to understand. Then why, may I ask…that you have so many people so close to you, so dear and loving and caring; that DOESN’T even think or feel about life the way you do right now?

Understand that those people around you; they are ‘there’ For You. So ask yourself why they are ‘there’ for you and why you can’t be ‘there’ WITH them. . . the answers would be : They are ‘there’ because they are your family and they are truly your closest of friends. And why you are not with them? Because you chose the ‘easier’ answer in life. Which is: ‘punishing yourself senselessly for what has happened’. In other words, erase the last question from your disturbed soul; there is no need for it. ‘Senselessly punishing ones’ self’ is never, . . .ever an answer to ANY questions you might have.

Kept in the dark for far too long,

There is nothing to brood over when one is lost completely,

So find yourself from within and be strong,

Because life is more meaningful when you live it in serenity.

Xander. . .” Have a blast, its tha’ weekend baby, yeah!!”