A Welcome Emptiness…

I never thought I’d welcome this emptiness that I have inside right now. Its’ been a long time coming but some things in life one cannot drag, stretch or delay for far too long. Maybe there is such a thing as quitting while you’re ahead but when there’s so much shit you’ve gone through in the shortest amount of time which can crack a sane man into lunacy; sometimes you just have to put your feet down and say ‘Enough is enough’. And there is no shame or wrongness in quitting early if you have thought out thoroughly what you are going to get yourself into and have weighed out the pros and cons carefully and in detail.

And yes I can be ‘very’ detailed… even in relationships. Maybe that’s my weakness? Maybe its’ a blessing… maybe its’ just me being me. Or maybe some people just can’t read English properly any more because all they do is watch ASTRO RIA 24/fucking-7(a local tv channel full of crap shows and NON-English speaking idiots).

Yes I am digressing too much of something you couldn’t fathom yet, but bear with me. What I’m trying to say is… don’t ever let go of who you are…who you TRULY are. Not for anyone or anything no matter what the consequences may be. Yes, at times we give in and we take from people around us as we accept their weaknesses and appreciate their strengths; But how would one respond to someone that took a whole lot more than you gave in? I’m not talking about 50/50 here, more like 80/20. What happens then?

You’d have lost some of yourself and gave in some of you that makes you who you are and become something completely contrary and altered altogether. Especially true when you are the compliant type and your friend or partner is the cantankerous and recalcitrant type.

How would I describe my life these past four months? Felt like a male praying-mantis with the exception of being killed after mating, I was maimed, ridiculed and disrespected as well as scrutinize meticulously each and every time I utter a word or did something which is disapproved by her.

Trust me folks, when you feel you are not the same person you were 2 months before and you know you are not being a better person for it. Drop the A-Bomb, leave the fucking building or in my case; pack your suitcase and take that fucking plane and fly your ass back to familiar grounds!

And yes, I am talking about relationship. In this instance mine. And, No… I’m not gonna rant about her though I already did so in a few words or more but since I felt nothing as I ended it; why waste precious space on the server? But don’t get me wrong, the remnants of what had been and of the past will come back to haunt any one even me~ why?

Because we are just humans and we are capable of feeling anything… especially Emptiness.

Thank you and good night, cause its’ always dark somewhere on this globe… welcome back Xander. Welcome back…

Raison d’être…

I had something written down about this ‘phrase’…somewhere…I found it, meant to make a blog entry for it…then again, I didn’t start blogging because I ‘scripted’ everything I wanna blog about so that it may sound PG13 for the sake of audiences’ sanity or number of visitors~ and this was back in November 2010. So I threw that piece of paper and decided to do a ‘re-write’ of it all.

I’m at ‘foreign-lands’ right now and it feels weird blogging,networking,surfing or even shampoo-ing my hair in foreign lands. So forgive me for the grammatical errors which will ensue as well as the typos. I’m typing on weird-ass keyboard here and on top of that I can’t put anything to mind without my favorite cigarette stuck between my lips. So without further delay read-on my 2 or maybe 3 readers cause ‘Xander has Spoken’..yet again.

Raison d’être… a reason of being. Yes, that’s French for you. They can come up with this but couldn’t handle the Germans in WWII. No I don’t hate the French, but don’t get me started on the Germans…but damn they do make wicked automobiles don’t they? and yes..the Panther and Tiger tanks are awesome. I could care less about ‘2 girls 1 cup’ so don’t ask.

Complacent with what we have and what we know we ‘ll continue having or enjoy in this life of ours; we rarely ask ourselves..what is my reason of being? For me, it’s not only a statement that you start your sentence with and write on the dotted lines on an examination paper or an SAT/SPM or what-evz’ kinda exams they have these days.

It’s more of an assertion to ponder about…i.e-why do we live our lives? Yes, to survive another day, to copulate and breed, to continue the bloodline, to kiss up to your boss day-in and out, to fornicate till Rapture arrive maybe I don’t know. For each of us there is an answer to said question and it differs greatly from one person to another.

Things were easy back in the 70’s… get high and get hooked or get hitched or anything that involves weed/brownies/bong/unprotected sex or whatever your poison. I was born in the late 70’s so I never had the ‘privilege’ to enjoy all that. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not calling everyone an idiot for not questioning this important question or even ‘questioning’ the ‘so-called importance’ of this ‘so-called’ question; if it even IS a question to begin with.

But…subconsciously…you have to admit, you would ask yourself.. at one point in your life…is there a reason for me living in this world?~is this what I want so far in my life?~ …am I already ‘there’?..do you even know ‘what’ you’re trying to achieve and if you did; what is there left to do now?  I’m not asking if you’ve made the right or wrong choices in your life, there’s an old saying~The hardest part is not deciding what choices we have to make in life; the hardest part is living with the consequences of those choices that we have made.

I guess my reason for living is about as same as any of you, grow old..make babies…live long and prosper-and in my case do all that while watching the models’, dancers’, beauty queens and singers/actors through the lens of my camera. Hypothetically -even while I race my G6 using my newly-grown wings on my back and bitch-slap the ‘Impaler’ with my new-grown ‘foot-long’ while yoddle-ing to the snow-covered mountains of Sweden I’d still ponder about it.

The least my friend coulda’ done was to get a new keyboard, I could use her Mac but she probably bite my head off. And its’ freezing up here, plus the heater is making some creepy noises.

So~ what is YOUR Raison d’être…? maybe I need to breathe new air, a new bed, a new car…a new tickle-buddy, heck anything to ‘jump-start’ my cognizance into a completely au courant cycle of creativity or consciousness.

I feel like I’m walking along an endless hallway in a familiar building at a slanted angle and all I see is this…

Here in foreign lands on a suck-ass keyboard I type,

The words formed in my mind while smoking this pipe,

I never knew smoking this thing is so vexing,

Cause if I did I’d rather be fucking.

In the month of May my past haunts me,

That’s why I’m not at home for I need to query,

Why must my past spoil my month of revelry,

I could not fathom some peoples’ complexity,

We were all children once & wondrous times they were,

Were it naught for the world we’d still be innocent & pure,

Alas we humans have some purpose in life,

The basics would be getting a husband or a wife,

Or living a life full of joviality and soiree,

But is that really your Raison d’être?

A Juncture in Our Lives II

Another juncture is reached in my life…hence the ‘Part II’ of this article in the past. Sometimes you get a bit nervous when you’ve just made a big decision in your life; wondering about the predicaments and/or rewards that you may well accrue in the future.

One thing’s for sure when you delve into an almost ‘alien’ world…you have to start from ‘Square-One’. Luckily for me that square made easy due to close friends and awesome ‘sensei’s’ so I think I’m good for the time being.  These are just ‘some’ of my attempts at this new world that I just dived into. Balls-to-the-Walls is what I’m doin’. Thanks to my sensei’s wisdom and to them models that help make my shoots look ‘not-so-noob’.

It’s been a long time since I posted anything I know; I’m just squeezing this in for a li’l update on what have been occupying my time lately. Just check them’ tags, you’ll know what I used for these shots.

Cheerz and thanks for dropping by!~!